Blended: Thou Shalt Not Steal

“When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”

I’m shocked more often than I’d like to admit to how little people actually communicate. So many thoughts and feelings without hardly ever saying a word. I’m BIG on communication, but I at times, am guilty. We can have so many thoughts running through our minds but opt out of communicating them for a few reasons. We either feel unjustified and/or ridiculous for feeling the way we feel in the first place or there are fears and anxiety behind the potential fall out we may experience if we DO decide to speak. Either way, I’ve learned a lack of communication will make things worse Every. Single. Time. When we choose to forgo proper communication, everything we fear will happen, actually comes to pass ten times over. I mean, think about it… Misunderstandings have collapsed entire kingdoms and nations since the dawn of time.

I communicated everything I could possibly think to communicate in the last conversation I’d had with my husband's ex-wife. I made my intentions to hold in place a boundary very clear. Unfortunately, her actions would show me she hadn’t fully comprehended what I’d meant by that. Proper communication can be an issue at times, yes, but an understanding of what’s being communicated can also be as well. “Lost in translation” isn’t just a phrase and though we hear it often, it doesn’t only occur between language barriers. A lot of times what we say and what someone else hears can be completely different.

For example:

You say: “Hey, can I have that pen back I let you borrow?”

They hear: “Why are you trying to steal my pen?”

So THEY say: “I wasn’t trying to steal your pen!”

And you say, now defensive and extremely confused: “I never said that. Why are you overreacting?!”

… and that my friends would be how even when speaking the same language, things can get lost in translation. Comprehension is just as important, goes hand-in-hand with communication and neither can function without the other. This would be our next problem.

I would spend the next 2 1/2 months trying to juggle between having boundaries and making sure I didn’t come off as rude. It was like every time things seemed to be going from cordial to friendly, I’d panic and take a huge step back. This went on for a couple months and I’m sure she was confused as hell but I couldn’t help it. I was VERY torn. I was so fearful becoming friends with her would lead to more problems. Even so, I still couldn’t just sit there and do nothing about the way I felt. To ease these fears I decided to invite her out to coffee while the boys were at track practice. I didn’t tell her why, but I figured in sitting down with her and seeing how regular conversation went, I’d get a vibe or a better idea of what to do. She agreed of course but with traffic and the distance she had to drive, it just didn’t work out. I took it a sign. Leave things be, Jillian… and one small little incident that would occur soon after, would make me do just that.

A few weeks into the new season of track, [Son] would come to me and tell me a little story his mom had told him. In this story, I’d apparently made her uncomfortable at one of the track practices because I didn’t include her. In what? You might ask… Well, she’d told him that I had introduced all the moms to each other while completely ignoring her. At the time I was shocked and tried to rack my brain for what storyline it was she could even be talking about. After thinking, there was only was one situation I could possibly come to. I had introduced a new mom that had just joined the team to one of the other mom’s that had come up to me to say hello while we were talking. It was really a scenario just that simple. Nothing more. Yet, here she was doing what she did best. Embellishing. Why would she even tell him this instead of coming to me to clear it up? What could possibly be her goal? I’d been walking the track with her for a couple weeks at this point and talked to her regularly when I saw her. So she’d had plenty of opportunities to address this with me. Yet she chose not to. Now… Ask me again why I was so overly cautious with her? I felt bad, really. I’m sure it seemed as if I were sending such mixed signals. One minute I was warm and friendly, the next minute I was standoffish. I hated coming off that way but the caution I felt deep down in my core just wouldn’t let up. Nonetheless, as I said, it would be this way for exactly 2 1/2 months before “Time” justified every cautionary feeling I'd had from the start. It would happen in the strangest of ways too…

Remember these shoes? Well, it would be in August I decided to pull these shoes out again and take them for a spin. Yet, in doing so, I’d realize I hadn’t seen our son wear them in a while. So I called him into our room.

Me: “Hey! Look what shoes I’m wearing.” I’d say smiling. “I haven’t seen you wear yours in a while.”

Son: “Oh yea, mine are too small now. I can’t fit them.”

Me: “Aww that sucks. I know how much you liked them. Maybe we can sell them and get you another pair. Where are they?”

Son: “Ok, they’re at my mom’s house. I told her to hold them so my little brother wouldn’t mess them up.”

Me: “Oh ok, well bring them back next time you go over there so we can get them cleaned up to sell.”

Son: “Ok.”

… and that was that. I didn’t think anything else of it. He would go to his mom’s house that weekend. When he came back I’d ask him if he brought the shoes with him.

Son: “Aww man, I forgot them.”

Me: “It’s ok. Just bring them back next time. I’ll send your mom a text too so she can remind you when you’re there.”

Son: “Ok.”

… and that is exactly what I would do. This is when things would get weird.

Via Text

Me: Hey Good Morning, I'm going to remind [Son] as well but just in case he forgets can you please remind him to bring his Nike Air Max Corks to practice today. He said he can't fit them anymore and you have them. Thank you!

Her: Hey hun, yes [Son] can't fit them anymore and he set them in my room one day a few weeks ago because he wants me to have them.

Pause….. Wait, what?! “He wants me to have them” Lol. Just that sentence alone makes me cringe every single time I read it. Now, me personally, even if this scenario happened and I was in her shoes I wouldn’t have even said that. I would have had an and I oop moment and thought to myself “Oh let me send those back. He didn’t know.” and kept it pushing. Just in case you don’t know what an “And I oop” moment is… For your viewing pleasure.

Not to mention, considering the significance of me buying them for us both and her being SO MAD at the time when I did, why would she even want to wear them in the first place? So, seeing where this could possibly go wrong I made sure to word everything I said next VERY carefully.

Me: That's sweet of him but yea we have a plan for those so please send them back with him. We paid a lot for those and if anything we would give them to [My Son] before anyone else. I'm so sorry for the confusion but if anything, in the future, we buy that's really expensive like that we typically have a plan a would want him to bring them back home. I talked to him about this already. So sorry again for the mix up.

Her: With all do respect they have been here since before school let out and all summer and nobody has asked about them and I even asked [Son] if he wanted to give them to [My Son] instead and he said no that he won't fit them anytime soon. The thing is this you just don't want me to have them. If he had given them to anyone else you would not have cared and that is so petty. [My Son] has worn plenty of things that I and [Her Husband] have purchased for [Son] and I even went as far as to give [My Son] stuff of [Son’s]. No big deal, same thing with the season pass. You raised a huge issue over that also because you thought he was using it with us and you didn't want us to 'benefit' from something you paid for. Now if you can't buy things for [Son] with the understanding that it is his and once he receives it then he does what he please with it, then don't buy him anything else. I can and I will buy him whatever he needs or wants and he can do whatever he wants with it, because it is his once he receives it. I don't mess with you guys, I don't cause problems or stir the pot and you just can't seem for the life of you to stop nit picking at me. That really sucks because I have really tried. It's still all peace over here though and I will not go back into this vicious cycle of feuding and bickering with either one of you.

See what I mean about comprehension? All of this over one small request. This right here showed me all my caution with her up to this point was warranted and deserved. If everything was supposed to be so great, how could she turn so quickly and assume the worst? Why try to be friends? I was clearly still, in fact, a trigger for her. The season pass situation she brought up occurred while we were feuding. At the time, I didn’t like how awful she was being to us and yet expecting to take trips to an amusement park with a season pass WE purchased. Maybe it was petty. It’s how I felt at the time... However, that wasn’t the situation we were dealing with. That was before the “conversation of peace” we had. So why bring it up and relate the two? The extensive nature of this response blew my mind at the time because this isn’t even where I was at mentally.

So again, very careful with my response.

Me: Listen, this is going completely into left field. My intention isn't to bicker and fight with you so I won't be doing that either. I should be able to talk to you about things without it becoming this big issue. I had no idea he grew out of them. But since I know now, it shouldn't be a problem for us to have them back. We run things a certain way in our home and that's that. Why would you want to walk around wearing shoes that I have anyway? That seems weird. Kindly, I'd like them to come back to our home as I didn't intend on paying the money for you to have those shoes. Like I said before, sorry for the confusion and I hope we can still move forward in peace. We have no problem buying him whatever he needs but since it is our money buying it, we will be the ones to decide what happens with it after he is done. And in the future I will check with you before [Son] gives anything you guys bought to [My Son].

Her: You don't need to check with me on [Son] giving anything to [My Son], I'm not that petty.

Now… at about this point, I could have chosen to get really ignorant. In my wording, I’d made it very obvious I had no ill will towards her. I hadn’t insulted her in the least and I tried to be sympathetic over the possible misunderstanding we were having. I didn’t assume anything about her intentions, although I was shocked at her response, yes. But I was willing to let it all play out before I formed any final conclusions on anything. Yet here she was calling me petty, insulting me yet again and for some strange reason determined to keep these shoes. Still careful…

Me: Alright, I thought we were doing so good but you seem to always want to assume the worst instead of just asking me. I thought we agreed when we had our conversation to talk things through and try to resolve it peacefully since that is the Christlike thing to do. That was all I was doing. I've already apologized several times for the confusion so I'm not sure what else you would have of me. I don't really buy expensive things with the intent of my children doing with them as they please because we work hard to provide for them. I would never feel comfortable wearing something you bought for [Son], much less something you already had as well. We have very separate households where things are run very differently and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not upset and will continue to speak to you and remain polite and you can do with it what you will. I hope you have a great day. Sorry for the confusion again.

I mean what else could I really say? But I guess she wasn’t done.

Her: I'm not upset either and will continue to speak to you as well. No love lost and nothing I said nor the position I am taking on this was un-christlike. I'm just not here for the pettiness, nit picking, and bullying anymore. I say nothing about anything and I keep it real cool. You guys just stay pressing me about any and everything, it's always something….

At about this point in reading the message my mind just couldn’t make ANY of this make sense! Let me remind you that up to this point absolutely NOTHING had happened. Nothing… So this reaction was all circa left field for me.

It's about the principal and the fact that the only reason you want the shoes back is because you found out that I have them and that is so ugly and petty acting especially since we are "supposed" to be doing "good". I really want to be left alone, it's the same vicious cycle of "lets find something to harass her about because the wind blew a certain way today" and I'm not mad but I am definitely over it, like forever over it.

Again, more insults and I had yet to insult her back. Still careful.

Me: It's not about YOU having them at all. Lol and I'm really sorry you choose to take things so personally. Surely we have a different view of harassment. Why you couldn't just say "Sure, I'll send them back." is beyond me... There is no principle to this. The fact that you are so quick to blow up over that request doesn't make sense at all and it seems as if you are not over anything. You even went as far as to tell [Son] a few weeks ago that I was introducing all the mom's to each other at practice and ignoring you when that didn't happen AT ALL! If you felt that way then you could've come to me for clarity and I definitely would've cleared things up for you. But instead you chose to have that conversation with your 13yr old son which in my opinion is not the best thing to do. That's involving him in an adult situation that he shouldn't have to worry about. The only thing that would do is persuade him to view me in a negative light, which I have to be honest seems like what you want anyway. Let me reiterate that the situation as you explained it to him did not happen at all. So again, if we were supposed to be doing ok & things were supposed to be good, your actions in that situation don't really reflect that. Would you like to meet for coffee so maybe we can clear this up in person? I'm all for a peaceful situation and based on your reaction it's clear you don't really know who I am.... It breaks my heart that you would think I would try to purposely hurt you.

I was reaching down into the core of my christianity, understanding and politeness with this response. I was scraping the bottom of that barrel because by this point I really wanted to go off. Regardless, this did show me one thing. It didn’t matter how well or how nicely I communicated anything to her. If she was determined to see and assume the worse, then that is exactly what she would do no matter WHAT I said. If she really had a heart for peace, she would have just sent them back with no argument. But here she was acting like I was trying “yet again” to take something from her. Triggered.

Her: I can't meet for coffee today I have a ton of work to do before tomorrow.

Me: No worries. I'm all for it whenever you'd like :-)

Her: Ok. Have a good evening.

Me: Thank you and you as well. Would you please make sure he brings them tomorrow to practice? I saw he didn't have them today unless they were still in the car when I left. I don't really want him to have to carry them around school all day Wed.

No answer.

Now, after all of this, some people might’ve just said forget the shoes. But it was more than that at this point for me. It was SO WEIRD how determined she was to hold on to these shoes that she was A) SO mad at me for buying, B) that I MYSELF owned, took many pictures in for social media and C) were so unique that you weren’t likely to see them on anyone else but me. The WEIRD factor was off the charts. But even after all of this, ask me how much more would have to happen before I got those shoes back… And even then, what I would find out after I finally DID get them back would BLOW. MY. MIND. Just wait…