“She is NOT his Mother!” -Ex Wife

In the beginning she never tried to get to know me beyond our first meeting. She literally NEVER gave me a chance from the start. I’d had many moments where I’d wanted to play nice with her and be polite but the energy she radiated said any conversation from me would be unwelcome. We never engaged in friendly chit chat during the practices or games and to avoid conflict I kept to myself. She gave the general vibe that she wouldn’t appreciate me talking to her. One instance in particular that really put me off in the beginning before we met was when she called my son who was only a baby at the time a banshee. We were driving home from LA from a fourth of July celebration I believe and his son was making his nightly call to his mom. My son started crying while he was on the phone and she hung up. Immediately after she sent a text to my husband.

“Have him call me later when you shut that child up. I can’t hear him with that screaming banshee in the background!”

I was floored. My son was only about 10 months at the time. Who talks about a baby like that??? This happened before we even met. Knowing what I know now I’m not surprised.

I could never have predicted how bad things would get and yet there was one thing I noticed almost immediately. After she realized I wasn’t going anywhere or giving in to her request to walk away she took a different approach. She preyed on my husband’s desires to be a great father. It was small things at first. Small things she would disguise as concern. First it was her mentioning he should spend more time with their son alone. She claimed their son had been having a hard time with our new relationship and needed more quality time with his father. She’d say things like our relationship was moving too fast (I was flabbergasted by that one). We needed to slow it down (this will be extremely funny when you hear about a future story). She even told him that we shouldn’t be spending nights together because it was confusing for their son. Like WHAT?! ::insert laugh:: Who’s in this relationship? I guess in HER mind SHE was. There was absolutely no way she should be suggesting how much time we spend together and how that time was spent.

Nonetheless, as a mom I could see how ALL of these would be valid concerns. Right? I was more than willing to make sure he got all the time he needed. Divorce can be hard on children and they can react in different ways. It was very possible he was telling his mom these things because he didn’t want to upset his dad. So we tried it. Except when we tried it a couple things would happen. Either his dad would pick him up and he’d immediately ask if I was coming over or as soon as he got picked up I would get a call from my 6 year old little Mister asking....

Son: “Where are you? Are you coming over?”

He always called asking for me. Once I’d get there he would inevitably ask if I could stay.

One day in particular during this little trial run would always stand out to me most. At this time my husband worked on a military base as a fire fighter. The base was about an hour away from his ex wife’s home but she lived in a city he passed going to and from work anyway. I lived 15 mins away from her but my house was closer to his because it was going in his direction home. It was summer break for the kids. During the summer, the routine was he’d leave the base, drive an hour to get his son, then come see me or have me meet up with him later. Since part of our routine was to talk on the phone his entire way home, I wasn’t surprise to see him calling me. What did surprise me however was the person on the phone when I answered. It was his son. He wanted to see me and was calling to see if it was ok for them to stop by. Of course I said YES! We all hung out eating breakfast, watching shows and letting the kids play. After about 2 hours my husband was ready to go home but his son was not. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked if he could please stay. Since I would be coming over later in the evening anyway I said it was fine as long as his father said it was ok too. His dad was a little salty about it but in a cute way. He said yes. After he left I played with the kids some more, let them blow bubbles outside and we had a great time. A few hours later I took them to my room to let them jump on my bed while I packed and when I was done I said to them…

Me: “Are you guys ready!?” I put up wiggling monster claws…

My daughter laughing said: “Yes Mom!”

His Son laughing even harder said: “Yes Mom!”

… and with that me and my daughter both turned to look at him. I tried to keep the shock off my face. He dropped down to the bed and covered his face in embarrassment. My daughter laughed and said, “It’s ok. You can call her mom too.” and he looked up at her. I could see in his face that he really didn’t know if it was ok or not. So I walked over and picked him up.

Me: “You can call me mom if you want to. You don’t have to be embarrassed. Let’s just talk to your dad about it first to make sure it’s ok, ok?”

His Son: “Ok.”

Me: “Now give me a hug.”

He gave me a hug. I put him down so we could go. When we got to his dad’s house I did pull him aside later and talk to him about it. We both knew his mother would FLIP A TABLE if she heard him call me Mom. However, at the same time we wanted him to have the freedom to call me whatever he wanted. So after a more in depth conversation we both came to an agreement. We sat him down together and told him that he could call me whatever he felt comfortable with after his dad and I were married. He did call me mom occasionally after that and I don’t know if she ever caught wind of it but she made sure to always reiterate to him that I was not his mother.

It would be a week later that would really change the course in how I viewed her. My husband was at my house pretty late with his son so the nightly call to his mom would happen there. I remember him walking his son over to our downstairs guest bathroom to make the call in semi-privacy. He would be on the phone for mere minutes before I would hear my husband raise his voice. When I arrived to the door way I would see his son in tears as his dad tried to unsuccessfully comfort him. My husband would look up at me with desperation in his eyes as I heard:

Her: “Let me speak to your dad.”

Son: “He said he’ll have to talk to you later.”

Her: “Tell your dad to stop acting like a child and get on the phone.”

Son: Quietly in tears because he feels stuck and doesn’t know what to do.

Her: To my husband “I know your listening (Name). Why don’t you act like an adult and get on the phone. You don’t want to talk because you’re at her house?”

Him: “There is nothing to talk about just talk to (son’s name).”

Son: “Can we just finish talking?” Still crying

Her: “After I talk to your dad.”

Him: “We’re hanging up.”

Her: Cussing before she’s hung up on.

We left the bathroom and went over to the couch. I had her still crying son on one side hugging him and his father on the other almost laying in my lap. He was practically in tears too because he was hurting for his son. We both told him what his mom said and did wasn’t his fault and to not worry about it. When his tears dried we sent him upstairs to play with my daughter. I continued to hold my husband as he silently broke down.

Him: “Why does she have to be like that?”

Me: “She’s broken, bitter and angry. Unfortunately she’s taking that out on her son. Just don’t worry about it babe. Everything will be ok.”

In that moment as I held my hurting husband something in me changed. I instantly felt the need to protect them. I had just experienced her tormenting the people I love firsthand. I remember it clear as day. It would be in that moment it became personal. She was out of control and I knew exactly how to handle her. Right then I made a silent decision. All of these phone conversations were about to come to an end. I would never let her hurt them like that ever again.

After all of these occurrences I begin to wonder… Did he really feel the way his mother said? Everything she was saying was conflicting with what he was actually doing and saying himself. Again all of her concerns would have been extremely valid had his son seemed confused in the least. I just didn’t think he was. The reality was she wanted us to slow down because it was HER who wasn’t ready. She was still fighting to get him back. How successful could she actually be if I were still in the picture? If I’m being honest I suspect 1 of 3 things were happening. Either she was lying, she was wording her questions to her son in a way that he would answer to her liking or he was learning even at the age of 6 almost now 7 how to tell his mother exactly what she wanted to hear. He was surviving. Learning to surf the waves that were her erratic emotional whims. It would become clear exactly what she was doing. It would be during this time frame I sit my husband down for a conversation. This had to stop. Her views were clearly unreliable and tainted by jealousy. She was tormenting everyone involved. None of this stemmed from concern for their son. Her desperation was showing and she was wearing it like an extravagant dress. Luckily he saw things my way.

A few things I should have considered:

• Would it always be me against her?

• Would she always feel her motherhood was being threatened?

• Could I help ease that threat?

• What boundaries need to be set?

• & again AM I EQUIPPED FOR THIS?

I only considered one of these initially… I did think about how I could help ease the threat she felt. I’m a Mother. I could at the very least relate to what I would want if the roles were were reversed. So I contacted her.

“You gave her my number?!”  -Ex Wife

I thought when I finally met her the questions and need to discuss me would stop but it didn’t. The questions not only continued but they got worse and she became more creative about it. When the random middle of the night “blocked” phone calls persisted I decided to talk to my husband. The questions weren’t innocent and she was relentless. I asked him if I could contact her myself. I was annoyed. I thought maybe she would calm down if I gave her an opportunity to ask me everything herself. If she knew I’d had no intentions to try to “take her place” so to speak, and she got to know me, things might get easier. He was VERY apprehensive about it to say the least and although he didn’t think it would work, he agreed. He knew her better than I did obviously so I should have known he’d know best. Nonetheless I still persisted because I had to know I at least tried. It was naive but honestly I thought she could be reasoned with. Putting the timeline in perspective, this conversation would happen before there were any direct conflicts whatsoever, any direct disagreements, pictures being posted or any reason for her to dislike me at all. This would be my first contact and interaction with her since our last face to face. So her reaction as you will see would be completely unwarranted. I figured I’d be nice, polite and offer to answer any questions she had. The text went a little something like this. 

[insert text] Me: Hi, (Husband’s Name) told me you’ve been asking questions about me during phone calls and pick-ups with (Son). I just want you to know I respect you as his mother and as mother myself I understand why you would want to know who’s around your son. So if you have any questions at all feel free to call me. 

[insert ANGRY text to father] Her: You gave her my number?! How dare you give her my number. You would have my head on a platter if I gave another n*gga your number. 

[insert simultaneous text to me] Her: Why you would contact me knowing you didn’t have permission is beyond me. Nonetheless now we have each other’s numbers. 

He and I just looked at each other. I laughed and said Wow! He gave me that I told you so look. We were sitting right next to each other the whole time. She would later turn around and return this little favor when she started dating. Looking back there is one thing I would have changed. I would have had him ask her if it was okay for me to contact her. Maybe she reacted that way because she felt caught off guard, ill prepared, bombarded or cornered. I’m not sure if asking would have made all the difference but the realization of who I was dealing with was driven home even more in that moment. Caught off guard or not her response could have been better. Her response made one thing abundantly clear. This woman had absolutely ZERO INTEREST in getting to know me. She didn’t care how well I treated their son. She didn’t care about making sure he was well adjusted to the new situation. She didn’t even care about making things easier for him. She wanted one thing and one thing only. She wanted me gone! From this point forward I would start to notice every single thing she did to make her intentions known. She became a reality I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with but I loved him. I knew that loving him would mean dealing with her.

2 1/2 months long… That’s what is considered a season for Flag Football through Parks and Rec. With practice being once a week and a game every weekend that would make a total of about 10 practices (on weekdays) and 10 games (on Saturdays) give or take. She made it her business to be at every single practice, no matter how inconvenient for her, just hoping to get whatever conversation she could out of my husband. What I don’t think she bargained for was my constant presence. As a matter of fact I think it infuriated her. At this point we were blending our family, our lives and planning our future. He had the fire fighter’s schedule 3 days on, 4 days off. We were so intertwined every group of days he had off we were pretty much always together. I know she came to these activities hoping I wouldn’t be there so she could pretend if only for a second they were still a family. Nevertheless my presence was a constant reminder they were not and of what she’d lost. That reminder would transform into a resentment so hostile she’d hold it against me like a loaded gun. Surprisingly the entire season went off without a hitch. Aside from constant stares and ice cold energy being thrown my way nothing really happened.

I’d missed the second and third to last practice and game of the season because I fell sick with the Swine Flu of all things. I was down for the count for 10 days. With the last game being the very next week and me feeling much better I went. After being gone for 2 weeks she seemed surprised to see me but said nothing during the game. Maybe my absence led her to believe we’d broken up. I don’t really know but if so, my appearance doused that hope. The team pizza party was right after so when the game was over we headed to the pizzeria. When we got there everyone grabbed tables and the families disbursed into their own groups. It was the two of us, his son, my daughter and my youngest son all together at a table. She sat at the next table over with another family. This was one instance where it would have been nice to extend an olive branch and have her join us but again, the general energy was cold. She wanted to be me. Not accept me. When my husband got up to order the pizzas I saw her go over to him. She asked to speak with him outside alone. Of course ::eye roll:: Typical. He came over, told me what she wanted and I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. It was neither the right time nor place and I was pretty certain she didn’t want anything but to question him about me again anyway. It was always about me. She rarely discussed anything else at this point. Since at this time their primary means of communication was email I told him to just have her send him an email later. He was worried she would cause a scene in front of everyone if he refused. Taking into account the whole car keying situation had happened not even a full year ago at this point I understood. I hated it but I told him that I understood and to go ahead.

When she got him outside the first thing she asked was why I had to be there. She told him it should have been just them and it was all too much for (GET THIS) his son to handle. Dude. Give. Me. A. BREAK! It was too much for HER to handle. He basically told her he could do what he wanted and it wasn’t her call. He also told her he wasn’t about to discuss anything about me with her. When she saw the conversation was going nowhere she changed subjects. She asked about some other random school stuff concerning their son. It was for conversation I’m sure but that was the end of that. I remember looking out the window near where we were sitting watching them talk. I wish I could describe her face during that conversation… He came back in. She did too but she didn’t look happy. She left shortly after she ate. I was never happier to see someone go.

It would be a couple weeks later their divorce was final. I remember there would be one final paper he needed her to sign to finalize everything. He would stop at her house in the morning on his way to work to have her sign it. She wouldn’t know it but I would be on the phone with him the entire time on his Bluetooth ear piece. I could hear everything. I would hear her ask him if he wanted to come in and him decline. I would hear her ask him if he was sure he wanted to do this and him say yes. I would hear her drop the pen he handed her to sign the papers and her scream out fuck in irritation. I would also hear her crying in the background as she signed this last paper.

Up to this point who could possibly blame me for wanting nothing to do with her? Who could blame me for feeling shocked any time I heard a nice word about her. Up to this point all this woman would have ever shown me was her monstrous side. I had nothing positive to reference when thinking of her. Was it always going to be like this? That was a question I would ask myself over the years time and time again. Yet still, there would be one thing that stood out from all the rest. Ever heard of the movie “Single White Female”….? Anyone?