Blended: Child Tug 'o' War
Once football season was over I thought we’d have a bit of a break from her. No such luck although it was no fault of her’s. My husband was and still is a strong believer of keeping kids involved in activities. This belief meant instead of a break from sports we’d have basketball next. Yay! Don’t get me wrong. I definitely had the choice to be absent from these activities but I wanted to be supportive. Not only to my husband but his son as well. However let’s do a quick recap of everything that was in play at this point.
Constant Phone Calls
Constant Requests For Face to Face Conversations
Advances
Social Media Harassment
Stalking
Imitation
… and all while still demanding I basically not interact with their son at all. I’m not gonna lie. There were many instances where this video was a clear reflection of my mental state.
But still I loved him. I thought it would be worth it to stick it out because I mean SURELY this wouldn’t last forever right? She’d eventually move on and even get into a relationship herself right? SURELY a new relationship would shift her focus right?!?! Yea a new relationship didn’t quite do what we thought it would but more on that later… Nevertheless I stuck around. Beyond what a lot of people would have been able to handle I was still there. So we geared up for basketball season.
Taking a break from all the dramatics for a second let me tell you a little bit about what else was going on. You may read this, all the posts up to this point and think to yourself WHY did she stick around? Dis Tew Muuuuuch! But the answer is simple really. It was a love like nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was epic. We talked about everything. At night we’d lay in bed together and explore each other’s minds for hours. We talked about our passions, what we hoped to do individually and together. We were planning a life. Just being next to him was magic. I can’t even explain it or put into words what his presence made me feel but it was special. It was the stuff of forever. Every time he was next to me I felt whole. When he was gone I felt like a piece of me was missing. He was the man my life had been needing. He was great with my children. He cooked for us (he’s a great cook). He helped me adult and handle real life. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wasn’t for him. We just fit.
As a family we did a lot together. When he wasn’t at work we were always out doing something. Everything was progressing so nicely we even built and fell into a comfortable routine. At this point we’d been together for almost a year. Marriage was definitely on the brain and we talked about it often. We would discuss the kind of wedding we wanted to have and where... Always careful, or so we thought, of the little ears around of course. But apparently not careful enough. I’ll never forget the day she went off about our so called wedding by the beach… Lol I wish I had emoji’s to insert. My daughter had over heard us talking about how we wanted to get married on the beach. She in turn OF COURSE wanted to tell her “soon to be” step brother aaaaaall about it. They were excited. It was cute really. They thought they were about to become siblings and that our weekly sleepovers were becoming permanent. So as an excited 7 year old, during one of his nightly conversations with his mom, he told her about it. Can we guess what happened next? C’mon anyone?
“Let me talk to your Dad.”
Why did she think where and how we decided to get married was her business? That was fun. It did make me wonder though. How would she react when we finally did get married? Anyway basketball season started, my husband was the coach and this is when things started to change. It was no longer uncomfortable silent curiosity radiating from her. It turned into full blown rage and hostility.
Every Saturday became a game of what she’d complain about next. What’s really crazy is for as many problems as she seemed to have with me she flat out refused to speak to me directly about any of it. She also made it very clear I was never to reach out to her as well. So realistically, how could there be any type of peace with such strong refusal of communication? Remember how my respectfully reaching out turned out last time… It didn’t seem as if peace was on her agenda. She had a one track mind and that was —> Get rid of me. This season would not only be the first time I dealt with her on a confrontational level but it would also be the first time I considered calling it quits. The first several games of the season were typical enough. But the underlying hostility would stem on both ends from the ongoing social media battle. She was still stalking me and harassing my husband over every picture and post. He didn’t want me addressing her directly because he didn’t want things to get worse but like I said before, at this point in my life I had no chill. I in turn was very vocal on social media about being fed up. When she was around I froze her out so completely. I ignored her like she wasn’t there. The first season taught me no matter what I did she would never be nice. She would never like me. So why try? Things came to head at one game in particular and to this day I still can’t believe what she did. It was a literal child tug of war. Their son was the child.
The day started out normal enough. Amazing actually. My husband’s Mother had come that morning to watch her grandson play. She’d also brought his sister as well. When we got to the sports complex where the game was being played she briefly spoke to his ex wife, a quick polite hello, then joined me so we could find seats together. His ex wife sat somewhere else. My step son has always been extremely competitive in sports and during this particular game he didn’t get as much play time as he wanted. When the game was over he was visibly upset so my husband pulled him to the side and squatted down to give him a pep talk. After a while I walked over as well and squatted down to his level to try and console him. He looked like he was about to cry.
After a few minutes I remember my husband looking at me, leaning over and discretely saying in my ear, “She’s looking dead at you and she looks pissed…” I looked up and she was staring dead at us with her arms crossed. Fury clear on her face. This visual, this picture of he and I talking to their son together must’ve triggered her. She’d already made it very clear at this point she felt I stole her family from her. Imagine what this visual inspired? In that moment I had a visual of my own. This was definitely not the time or place for her to act a fool. I also thought to myself “I don’t need this shit…” So moments later I stood up and took a few steps back to where his mom and sister were standing. It was like my mind had quickly calculated the equation, all the possibilities of disaster and made a choice. Once I stepped back she quickly stepped in. She went over to where my husband and their son were talking and my husband quickly wrapped up his conversation. He didn’t want to be next to her longer than he had to.
Since she was taking their son home from the game she brought him over to say bye to his grandmother and aunt. He went around the circle we were standing in and hugged everyone. When he got to me I leaned down to hugged him and as I was hugging him she literally pulled him away by the arm and said “Please DON’T!” and stormed off. His mom, sister and I were left standing in that circle mouths hanging open. We could not believe what just happened. That she would do something like that not only at his game but in front of everyone standing there, well… Actually we shouldn’t have been surprised. But we were. Most importantly we could not believe she would do that to him. It had to make him feel extremely uncomfortable. It became apparent his stories of her getting mad at him for hugging me were very true. After we picked our jaws up off the floor we all left to go have brunch.
We drove separately so on the way to the restaurant my husband and I started talking about it in the car. He told me he knew she would do something like that. He could see it on her face. He said he knew that look. It was look she had before every violent situation he’d ever had with her. That “Elvis has left the building” look. No one was home. Of course as we were talking she tried to call him but he ignored her call.
Him: “I’m not about to answer that. He’s still in the car with her. I’m not about to let him hear all that.”
Me: “Why would she even call to discuss that with him in the car?”
Him: “Because that’s who she is. She doesn’t care.”
Me: “Well when you do you need to tell her that what she did was extremely inappropriate. That shit’s not cool. Seriously. Imagine how that must’ve made him feel? He was already having a bad day and she made it worse. That’s why he’s always so uncomfortable when she’s around.”
Him: “I’ll handle it. Let’s just have a good day.”
Me: “Ok.”
I said ok… But deep down I was not ok. I would NEVER do that my children. That whole situation had knocked me off my game and I wasn’t in the best mental space when we finally arrived to eat with his family. But I did my best to put on a good face.
As I’ve said in previous posts my husband does not handle conflict well AT ALL. When situations arise he handles it in one of a few ways… If there is a disagreement, if forced or cornered he’ll hear you out. Maybe he’s listening. Maybe he’s tuning you out. Only I as his wife could tell you the difference. All from experience of course. Lol. Then when you’re done he’ll tell you exactly what you want to hear. Not because he plans on doing it but hoping instead you’ll just shut up. He’ll then proceed to do exactly what he wants to do anyway. Other times he’ll just ignore the situation altogether as if it’s not happening. He'll wait for days sometimes even weeks and not speak about it hoping it just goes away. These are his defense mechanisms. Are they great? Absolutely not. Do they ever help? Hell no! Lol but After being with him for 10 years I have learned him. I have learned how to get around these habits. I’ve also learned that men just communicate and handle EVERYTHING differently. So keep that in mind when I tell you what happens next.
It would be the next day I find out she contacted my husband via email. She would tell him he needed to handle what happened at the game with me as if I were in the wrong. Do you know what his response would be? “It’s been handled.”…………… Nothing else. No checking her for her poor behavior. No telling her it wouldn’t be tolerated. No anything! Just 3 words. We got into it pretty bad after that and although we would make up later that would be the first time I seriously considered leaving. I knew if he didn’t stand his ground with her then this was quickly going to turn into an even bigger shit show. This way he had of “handling” things would present itself to be a much bigger problem in the future. To make matters worse she would tell him later in the week that she actually didn’t want me at any of the games at all. Her ultimatum? If he brought me to any more games she would leave with their son and not let him play. She wouldn’t bring him to any more practices and she would make sure he missed everything when it was her time to have him. I can imagine the look on your face right now if you have even half a brain. Same girl (or dude). Same. How could a MOTHER, the person who was supposed to protect you from everything be THAT selfish? And all because she couldn’t manage her own emotions? All because she couldn’t face the reality that he was done with her? Not only was it selfish but it was desperate. As if my absence would give her a chance.
Remember how I told you that she would later prey on his desires to be a great father? Well, this was it. This would be when she raised the stakes. Now I’m always one to gamble if the odds are favorable. With good strategy you can always call and beat a bluff. I knew we could possibly just have him participate when he was with us and let her miss everything. With her extreme insecurities about being his mother and needing to be involved in everything I knew her bluff wouldn’t last long. It would kill her to know I was there and she was not. My husband however was not one for a game of chance. Not only that, he knew it would disappoint their son to not have his mom there. It was a hard truth to swallow but he was right. He’d be less affected if it were me instead. I loved his son. I didn’t want him sad or disappointed. Even though I wanted to I couldn’t be selfish. So I complied. I missed the rest of the games that season so he could have his mom instead. It didn’t help that once again when he would ask why I couldn’t go to his games I would have to lie. Consequently the choice would also make me question everything my husband and I were trying to build. This couldn’t be my life. I refused. I still had the choice to walk away… I’d have to sit down with myself and REALLY ask. How bad did I want this?