“It’s not over until God says it’s over.” -Ex Wife

It was exactly 5 days later I came face to face with her again on a Saturday. I had spent the night at my husband’s apartment the night before and his son had flag football practice at a local park near us the next day. It was a warm, sunny Saturday. The weather was absolutely perfect. Everything you’d imagine when you think of a typical Los Angeles, California day. It was early and while the breeze was still a little crisp the sun was warm on my skin. I had on a dark pink spaghetti strap baby doll dress with brown snake skin gladiator sandals. My hair was straight with a slight wave. My husband was the assistant coach at this time so we made sure to get there early as he was very involved. We had plans afterwards to hang out the entire day. When we arrived to the practice she was already there… with her dog. I had my one year old son in tow so as soon as we hit the grass I let him down to play. The practice was only due to last an hour but after about 20 mins the sun became blistering. I had sunglasses in the car so I picked up my son and grabbed the keys from my husband. As I made my way up the trail to the car I could feel I was being followed. I grabbed my sunglasses and turned to make my way back when who did I see walking up the path directly towards me? HER.

One thing I’ll note:

She lived 45 minutes away and it wasn’t her day to have their son. So at the time, her being there didn’t really make sense to me. However, one thing became quite apparent early on. She was taking ANY and EVERY opportunity she possibly could to be in his presence. No matter what the activity was. If she knew my husband was going to be there then so was she. During these times one thing we’d come to count on without fail was the token “Can I talk to you?” or “I need to talk to you…”. She knew he wouldn’t give her the time of day face to face under any other circumstances. I also knew these “talks” were her way of trying to feel close to him. She used these conversations to plead with him, beg for more chances, cry and do everything she could to evoke some type of emotional response from him. She wanted to still feel relevant. But in the end he was spent. He just didn’t care. It was useless.

One thing I’ve always wondered… Did she decide in that moment to come talk to me? Or was this something she had pre-planned and ready for the next time she saw me? Knowing who she was then and now, the way the conversation went it almost sounded like she’d sought council beforehand from someone at her church. It was as if she explained the situation, everything she knew about me and was told take the approach she took. I can hear it now, “If she’s a Christian herself then maybe you should try saying it this way. Take the biblical road. May be she’ll listen.”

Translation: Maybe she’ll feel guilty. Convicted.

I could totally be wrong and she could have decided all of this on her own. I will say this though. It’s quite hard to make that approach stick when the reasons your relationship and marriage ended were because of YOUR sinful behaviors and choices. I just couldn’t take her seriously.

As I walked back down the trail she came up to me and said “Can I talk to you?” and I said what I felt I had no other choice to. “Sure. What’s up?”  

Her: “Is that his baby?”

Me: Incredulous that she would even ask me that. “Didn’t you already ask him that?”

Her: “Yes but he has a habit of lying to me so I can’t believe anything he says.”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Her: “Ok well I heard you go to church and I go to church too. As a Christian, woman to woman I just want to ask you to walk away and give me a chance to get my family back. If you leave and things don’t work out then I’ll step aside and let you have the floor and you won’t have any problems from me. I’m just asking you give me a chance to get my family back.” Even behind her sunglasses I could see her eyes starting to water. She was clearly holding back tears.

Me: “……….” I wanted to feel sorry for her. I really did but I just couldn’t. After all, she put herself in this position. Not only that, I’d been experiencing all of her games in the last several months. The graduation incident, the late night calls, the advances…. and all without saying a word.

Now let me just take a moment right here to tell you a few things that went through my mind at that point. My first thought was WOW. I can’t believe after all the hell this woman has put this man through and all the chances she’s already been given she actually has the nerve to ask for another. My next thought was reliving how heartbroken I was for him when he told me his story. How could I possibly justify sending him back to that kind of misery. We were happy. We were in love. I felt like I would be punishing him by walking away from all we were building just to give her what she wanted because really, she was the ONLY one who wanted it. My last thought was selfish. Why should I give up this amazing man who I love so much to a woman who’s had every opportunity in the world to treat him like he deserved. She’s had every opportunity to keep her family and do the right thing. SHE screwed it up. After everything we had both been through we deserved happiness. Years later I would also look back to this very conversation and all of her actions up to this point and moving forward. Why you might ask? Well because… She would in the future paint such a horrible picture of him to anyone who would listen that I would think to myself. Why fight so hard for such a “horrible” person? So I said what my 24 year old self wanted say. No. 

Me: “I’m sorry but I’m not going anywhere. The reason I’m here is because he wants me to be. If he wanted to be with you he would.”

Her: “That is still a married man. You are messing around with a married man. He is still my husband.” 

Me: “You’re going through a divorce right now. Papers have been filed. He’s done. That’s my man now. Your marriage is over.”

Her: “It’s not over until God says it’s over.”

Me: “No it’s over. I’m sorry but I’m not leaving him. That’s not what he wants. I’m not going to do that to him because it’s what you want. I’m going to be here as long as he wants me to be.”  

She didn’t say another word. The conversation ended. She turned around and stormed right back down the path she came, dog trailing behind… I didn’t know this at the time but moving forward this conversation would be what she used to justify not only her actions but the story she would tell others about me. When asked I would become a home wrecker. The person who stole her husband. The person he cheated on her with while they were still married. All out of context and untrue of course. Their divorce would be final 3 months later. But that wouldn't stop her. There might be those who would say maybe I should have walked away and given her a chance. There might also be those who agree with me. Looking back now I always ask myself if I would have handled things differently. I go back and forth about it. Sometimes I think I would have waited until the final divorce papers were signed. Other times I think it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. One thought I sometimes ponder is how things would have panned out had we connected after the dust from his divorce had settled. However, considering the person I was dealing with in his ex wife, I doubt any of that would have changed anything. I would come to find that I was dealing with a woman who was broken in more ways than I could ever imagine.

That following Saturday would be the first official little league football game I attended in support of my soon to be step son. Unbeknownst to me, these activities would be the arena in which she displayed and fought every internal insecurity she had; The arena in which every internal power struggle of hers went down. Something I believe she has failed to realize up until this very day is that I was never her competition. I already had the man. He wasn’t going anywhere and neither was I. Her position as his mother was never up for grabs because Mothers can’t be replaced. Mother… a title and place she would hold in her son’s heart FOREVER. Yet, from this day forward she would fight me like I was here to take it from her. Which I suppose if you saw things her way it would make sense. His choice to leave her and file for divorce was not my fault. He did that long before we met. His choice to pursue a relationship with me seemed to translate to her as a personal attack. A personal attack by me against her. No matter how irrational, for her it seems I would always be the cause of her loosing everything. Responsibility and accountability anyone?