Going through that basketball season would be very eye opening for me. Don’t get me wrong, I was still frustrated over a lot that was going on. But the part that would get me most was how his ex wife having a boyfriend would do nothing to change her. Nothing about her behavior, call patterns or thoughts changed as a result. It still seemed she was fighting for a marriage while in another relationship. For all of the time, effort and energy she invested into checking for me, what I was doing and what my husband and I were doing together, the boyfriend might as well have not been there. I did often wonder if he realized everything she was doing behind the scenes, the things she was saying to my husband or how often she was actually calling. It’s hard to believe any man would be OK with how she was carrying on. However, I would come to find he probably didn’t know or care because he was too preoccupied with his own antics. The reality is she should have been more worried about him than us. But again, more on that later. I personally thought if she met someone, was truly happy and in love, the rest would just fall into place. Any good man who came into her life would also want a good relationship with her son. I felt if she got first hand experience of what it was like then it would make her more understanding of me and where I was coming from. Unfortunately it didn’t pan out that way. It would appear he was there to fill the void that was her ex husband. Maybe in the back of her mind she held out hope because anything to do with us still completely shifted her focus. Even now I still feel like the rage and bitterness resulting from her failed marriage clouded her view of the bigger picture. It made her blind to a lot of things.

Anyway, when basketball season was done we had a little break in between. At this point my husband and I talked about marriage a lot. It wasn’t so much a matter of IF we would get married. It was more a matter of when. However, with all of the conflict going on it sometimes seemed more like an IF to both of us. I’m sure my husband began to wonder if we would work at all or if he should just be alone. No matter who he brought into his life she would feel threatened and make it difficult. The constant war between all of us was wearing everyone down. I began to wonder if the whole blended family situation was even for me. I had many problems with the way he chose to handle issues and it effected our relationship a lot. She was (still is) the type of woman you couldn’t give any leeway to. If you gave an inch she’d take a mile. He was very passive in his dealings with her and although I knew why it didn’t help my feelings about it.

It seemed as if every week she had a new issue and 75% of the time that issue was me. You know what? I don’t think I would have had such a huge issue with her if all of her problems were with him. That would be normal behavior. People break up for a reason. Whether it be incompatible communication techniques, different views on life, distrust, betrayal, or love lost. All of those factors would cause understandable issues after the fact. While I’m sure some of those played a part, what bothered me most was the fact that her issues with me stemmed simply from my existence in the situation. I never mistreated their son. In the beginning I didn’t even mistreat her. I tried to be very polite up to the point she made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me. Aside from the fact that I was with her ex husband she had no reason to dislike me. All of her problems with me stemmed from the very wild and colorful assumptions in her mind about my intentions. Never facts. Just assumptions. Sadly I was in the position where my attitude towards her was a direct response to how she treated me. It was also a response to her constant advances and attempts to over step boundaries with a man that was no longer hers.

Even though 75% of her issues were with me he preferred to keep me out of it and deal with it on his own. We butted heads on this a lot because I was of the opinion that if she had a problem with me then she should deal with me directly. While I agreed with his tactics for anything concerning their son’s schooling, medical needs, normal parenting responsibilities, decisions, etc… her issues were anything but. We were adults and should have been able to talk things through in a healthy manner. Communication IS key. I would’ve respected her so much more had she taken that approach. Had she come to me and said “Listen, I appreciate how well you treat my son and I love that you love him but right now it’s a little hard for me to see because I’m still healing and getting use to the situation.” I would have talked things through with her. We could have come up with a plan together. Out of appreciation for her respectfully coming to me I would have gone the extra mile to make her feel comfortable.

I say this speaking from experience and having been on the other end of things. I have children with a step mother too. But her behavior was wildly disrespectful. She was very adamant about NOT talking or communicating with me directly. I found it very strange and quite ridiculous but not surprising. For someone who had SO MANY issues, questions and problems with me you’d think she’d jump at the chance to tell me herself how she felt. But no… Even to this day, knowing how unfairly she treated me, she wouldn’t apologize and talk it out if hell froze over. And my speaking about it of course would be taken as a personal attack. Always a personal attack. Never facts, an epiphany of growth or the realization of like Wow, I had no idea I was coming off that way in dealing with my hurt. I was wrong. I guess healthy communication wasn’t and still isn’t her thing. To be fair, you can’t really expect that from someone when they are still living in that hurt. Recognition only comes after.

Her actions and extreme avoidance also showed me a few more things.

• It showed me was she was clearly intimidated. It was as if she couldn’t face me. I’m not sure why but one thing was certain. I was the woman who in her mind “stole her husband”.

• It also showed the first instances of contradiction. When it came down to it, as much as she preached about communication and respect, she was unable to mutually give it TO ME. She was always down to communicate with him. Any interaction she could get. But when it came to me the communication was off limits. Again note I actually tried to communicate with her respectfully on previous occasions but she forbid it. So it wasn't like she needed to be concerned about a fight. I made clear that I was very open to talking to her.

• The final thing I saw was that she knew she had no leg to stand on. She had no valid points or concerns regarding me. I feel like she knew up against someone like me she wouldn’t be able to logically or effectively explain a thing. She would end up sounding exactly like she felt. Bitter.

Let me insert some other thoughts here that I’m sure you came to yourself.

• In a perfect world I shouldn’t have felt the need to say or do anything because he was handling her. He should have been able to take care of everything with very little, if any, involvement from me. If that was his personality type then things could’ve been much easier. But it wasn’t and there were many times I felt I had to step in to protect the best interest of us all, including her. She wanted/needed a certain level of communication he was incapable of giving her. And while I could give her just that, she refused to speak to me or deal with me in any capacity.

• She also wasn’t completely dumb. She had been married to him after all and she knew his personality type was to be very passive. She exploited that on many occasions. I suspect she knew I wasn’t the passive type which is why she avoided me at all costs. She couldn’t manipulate me. I was out of her league.

• Putting my personal life into perspective as an example; There are many times I mostly deal with my children’s step mother because I know she will get things done. She has a great head on her shoulders and she’s also able to communicate with me more effectively in high stress situations. My children’s father knows this as well and is OK with it. He and I don’t always see eye to eye. With that said his wife plays a very active role in keeping things as stress free and smooth as possible. I love and respect her so much for it. I would be doing myself and my children a huge disservice to refuse communication with her. My husbands ex wife is not so enlightened I guess…

By this time she knew I was nothing like my husband. He forgets a lot in the midst of confrontation. He really isn’t one to prove a point, recognize a contradiction or throw logic at you during an argument. That’s all my area of expertise. Starting something with me means you damn well better be able to explain yourself with supporting facts. Otherwise, I will tear your entire argument to shreds. With her tendency to be irrational and contradict herself often I wasn’t an ideal candidate to argue with. However, when he would tell me of his conversations with her I would immediately spot all the holes and contradictions in her stories and become extremely frustrated. There would be SO MANY things he could’ve said in rebuttal and facts proven but it just wasn’t his area of expertise. As I’ve said before and as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, I remember everything. She knew if she came to me with her weak arguments she would come out looking more petty than ever. Communication is for those who actually want to resolve a problem. She had no interest in a resolution. She wanted to stay mad and justified. Why else avoid the person she had such a problem with? It wasn’t like I was going anywhere. At any rate, football season was upon us again and I was resolved to avoid as many conflicts as possible.

Although my husband and I had gone through many trials and many tests in our years of dating at this point, we’d come out on the other side stronger than ever. What I didn’t expect was what happened next. It would happen one morning while in the shower together. We’d be in deep conversation pouring out all of our feelings. Going in depth about what we meant to each other. And it would be during those moments he look deep into my eyes, cradle the side of my face and say “Marry me”…. Right in the middle of our conversation. It was so unexpected I thought he was joking at first. It would take me several seconds to catch my breath before I ask if he was serious. He told me he knew he wanted me to be his forever. So on that day with water pouring down my face I said YES! He took a strand of my hair and tied it in a bow around my ring finger. A few days later he would talk to my parents and get their blessing. My mom would give him the ring she had been saving for me that use to be hers and he would come up to my job to do it again in front of everyone. Still one of my favorite memories ever.

That Saturday I would show up to the game with a shiny new piece of jewelry on my finger. I would be standing next to another parent/friend of ours talking when she would see for the first time this ring was different than the previous “deterrent” ring she was use to seeing me wear. This ring in which her son would overhear her telling another friend on the phone later wasn’t as nice as the one he got her. She was so fixated on my ring that she didn’t even notice I was staring right at her. It was like slow motion... I saw the realization crashing down onto her face as she took in what it all meant. I could see in that moment she knew her “fight” for her family was done. Any last ounces of hope or emotion she possessed transformed to fuel her already growing rage. Since it was the last game of the season we would have the pizza party/awards after. I remember while there I would see her constantly staring off into space as if in a trance. Her expression quite literally glazed over and blank as if no one was home. I would watch her boyfriend ask her over and over again what was wrong as she simply reply with Nothing. The devastation radiating off of her would be so obvious but he as it seems would be none the wiser. Although there was no previous knowledge of her even being engaged, no ring, announcement or anything whatsoever, she would marry her boyfriend exactly 2 weeks later. With their exchanged I do’s would come the realization for them both I’m sure that they had no clue who they were actually married to... All hell was about to break loose and my husband and I were in the eye of the storm.