Blended: I Thee... Fight?
When they got married there were no big celebrations that I knew of and no traditional ceremony or reception following. This could mean everything and nothing at all because many people choose to take the intimate route. Not everyone desires a big over the top wedding. However, in the days leading up to their “nuptials”, they treated it as if it were top secret. I’m not sure why but it seemed as if they were more concerned with the shock value. I remember the day they got married. The way in which they chose to make it known to us well… I’ll let you be the judge. His son had just started travel basketball and there was a game about 20 mins away from us in the valley. It was a Sunday and her day to have him so she was responsible for bringing him to the game. The game was almost over before my eyes even registered what I saw but when I did I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself.
Apparently, they’d both shown up wearing matching his and her T-shirts. His looked just like this while hers said Mrs. [His Last Name]. I mean c’mon…. Really? Lol. I guess. Although we laughed about it later it did come as a bit of a surprise. I couldn’t seem to make it make sense. What was the rush in getting married with no rings, family ceremony, or plan whatsoever? It was almost as if she was trying to beat us to the punch. However, in doing that she might’ve robbed herself of the celebration she could’ve had and deserved. The truth was it actually wasn’t my business to make sense of. I won’t speculate why they did it the way they did because I can’t say factually. But I will say I was told a few things that gave me an inkling and it wasn’t because she was pregnant. They sat there in their matching shirts the entire game just screaming for attention but no one truly cared. All it showed was their joint pettiness and with it the realization her husband definitely wouldn’t be curbing her behavior any. He was too petty himself. I was honestly hoping she’d meet a guy who would look at her antics and say to her…
“Why do you care so much? She’s good to your son and that should be all that matters.”
Her behavior very obviously showed she still had feelings for her ex-husband. As a matter of fact, a different kind of man would’ve seen her antics for what they were and checked her. My husband definitely pulled me into check a time or 10 when my anger got the best of me. But either he didn’t know EVERYTHING to be in a place to say anything to her or as I feared, he was just as petty as her. I believe they’re something like 4 years apart in age with him being younger. He also came into their relationship with no children that she was aware of so I believe this also played a part in his maturity level and understanding of the situation. When you have no experience dealing with situations that involve children, especially children of your own, you see things differently. That evening we would receive an email with her little announcement and new last name. Okay… Lol. This is when things would get interesting because shortly after he would send a message to my husband too. Remember that returned favor? She didn't react well when I sent her a message and yet she would have him do the same? Contradiction.
Up to this point she’d made it very clear she wanted me to have no involvement with her son. If he were left alone with me she had a problem with it and well… You’ve hopefully read all the stories up to this point. Because of his aversion to conflict, my husband rarely addressed her on much but I remember this one time where he had to email her to address a few of his concerns. Concerns that were normal and nothing like hers. His son had come to him and told him that there were times she had him sleep in the bed with them both and he didn’t feel comfortable with it. His son had also said his mom had told him to lie to his dad about it which upset him as well. My husband made sure to ask where exactly he slept and if it was next to the guy at all and his son said no. He normally slept on her side. Of course, my husband felt uncomfortable with it and he let her know. She’d only been with the guy some months at this point. Not even a full year. Could you imagine what she would have done or how she would have reacted had the situation been reversed? Exactly. Another instance of contradiction. After they got married she would try to do things like insist my husband drop his son off with the guy when she wasn’t home even though he was uncomfortable with it. Most importantly his son was vocal about being uncomfortable with it so he would tell her no. It would turn into an argument every time. Again, considering her childhood (more on that later) you would think she’d be more understanding of my husband’s discomfort but no… So funny how she insisted but tried to demand he never be left alone with me. Again, a contradiction. I remember very clearly an instance in which she left their son home alone with the guy while she went to work. She did it without notifying my husband which of course was against their court order. Each parent had the first right of refusal should the other have to work. When he talked to his son on the phone that night he could tell something was wrong. When he asked, almost immediately his son started crying. He was clearly upset about it but had been trying to hold it in. You know the feeling? Everything is fine until someone familiar or close to you touches your shoulder and asks genuinely if you’re ok. Then all of a sudden it’s as if that wall between you and your tears comes crashing down and you can’t hold it in anymore. I suspect that’s what happened. My husband told him to try to be a big boy about it and he would be there to pick him up in the morning. After they hung up he would receive this message from her now “husband”…
I already know you are NOT going to answer the phone, nor this text however, it will not prevent me from expressing my thoughts & feelings towards your manipulative, trifling, and scandalous behavior. I'm calling it like it is. I'm not concerned with the specifics in which you discussed with [son], I will say this; his mood was perfectly fine until AFTER his phone call with you. Although he was upset for a little while, I'd like to have you know that he is back in his perfectly fine mood, courtesy of mom and myself. There was a point I respected u as man for the "sole" purpose of being in your sons life, nothing more nothing less. Now that's out the window for the fact that you deliberately do/say things to [son], when he is in the care of his mother (my wife) and stepfather (me), in an attempt to upset him and have him feeling hurt & uncomfortable being here & doing the things he does while he's here. This is also done in attempt to upset his mother. Normally I stay out of the mix, but I'm done observing. When your actions effect those in THIS household, yes, I come in the picture. All this being disrespectful to my wife, calling her out of her name cuz ur upset, ENDS NOW!! Trying to cause a disruption between this family by your negative, adolescent, menstrual cycle behavior, ENDS NOW!! Take this for what its worth. Whatever issues you have with anybody over here, please feel free to address them in a "mature" manner. If I am the issue (which I shouldn't be) you have my number, but here it is again XXX-XXX-XXXX, don't hesitate to use it. You have an OPEN invitation to talk to me in person, over the phone, email, whatever is suitable for you. I do apologize for the word count, but it was the quickest way to get my point across short of a phone call, in which you will not answer. In conclusion, all the negativity and miserable energy you are trying to send this way ENDS!!
Could you imagine what she would do and or say if I had ever come at her in this manner? Imagine I ever had the audacity to send her a message like this? Lol. This is how this man chose to make his entrance into the picture. Wildly disrespectful just like her and clearly lacking any understanding of the situation he was walking into. It did sound like he was describing HER behavior though… Lol. He could have sent a message to perhaps make his father feel more comfortable about leaving his son in his care or asked if there was anything he could do to make the situation more comfortable yet he chose to send THAT message instead. Again, not what I would have done. But hey, I was still the bad guy. She wouldn’t even allow ME to contact her. All my husband did was forward this message to her as a warning. Nothing else. At least initially. It would come up again via email but the message should have been clear. This better not happen again or else. Like I said, he was a very non-confrontational type but if pushed he would go there. Now that I think about it, in every instance where he was given a valid reason to respond to the guy he still chose to ignore him. He’s never even given him the time of day. Except once. I’ll get to that later.
It would be over the next 4 months she tries to insert her now “husband” as a step-parent while blatantly dismissing me as anything but. My investment and time (almost 3 years at this point) into their son’s life would make no difference to her. All of a sudden this guy who none of us had known for long (including her) or very well at that, was supposed to supersede all the “rules” she’d placed on me. Not only that, our wedding was quickly approaching and she would berate her son constantly for details. We purposely didn’t tell the kids the date until the last minute because we didn’t want her to try anything. But we scheduled our wedding to happen during a holiday weekend where we were sure to have him days before and days after just in case. I remember a day, in particular, where we picked him up from her and he got in the car and started crying. When we asked him what was wrong he said she kept asking him when our wedding was. When he would reply he didn’t know she would yell at him that he was lying and he did know. It was sad really because the truth was he didn’t actually know. We hadn’t told him yet. We actually told him the holiday weekend of our wedding when we picked him up from her that it was days away. I even made sure not to post the date anywhere on social media or tell anyone who might tell her. She was yelling at him for nothing. But that wouldn’t be all. Little did we know the shit was about to hit the proverbial fan.
Let me pause right here to explain the drop off dynamic so it makes more sense. At this point my husband was still in the fire department and still passed the city she lived in on the way to work. I now lived in the same city as he did but still had a separate home. However, at this point he and I basically lived together. I didn’t live by her anymore. During the summers and on weekends he worked, he would drop his son off with her and continue on his way to work. When his shift would end, if it was on a weekend or in the summer and it was his day, he would pick his son up from her and continue on home. For her, she worked 12 hour shifts from 7pm to 7am as a CNA in a city pass ours. So on days she would get off, if it was her day, she would pick their son up from us on her way home. Get it? Good.
One particular Sunday she was apparently going to be running late and insisted the night before he drop their son off with the guy in the morning on his way to work. It was so crazy to us that she was trying to insist when up to this point she STILL had been adamant about not dropping him off or doing exchanges with me. Again, I’d never tried to fight her, run up on her, or approach her with any type of in-person confrontation at this point ever. She couldn’t use any of those reasons as an excuse or concern. So that she would turn around and try and insist on something SHE HERSELF refused to do was crazy! Contradiction. He told her he didn’t want to do that of course and she responded with basically that’s what he needed to do. Unfortunately, here’s where my husband messed up... Like I’ve said before he’s not good with conflict and that trait would be the cause of many issues moving forward. I asked him if he planned on doing what she requested and he said no.
Me: “Babe you really should let her know you have no intention of doing what she asked. If you’re trying to avoid conflict this is not the way. If she assumes you’re dropping him off tomorrow and you don’t it’s going to blow up into something even bigger.”
Him: “I’m not about to sit on the phone arguing with her for the rest of the night. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow.”
Me: “ I know babe but all you have to do is say you’re not doing it. If she’s mad about it then so be it. You don’t have to respond after that. At least this way she’s aware and prepared. But if you don’t make yourself clear in this instance she won’t be the only one who’s wrong. You’ll be wrong too.”
Him: “I’m not doing it. I just want to go to bed.”
It was after 10 PM at this point. My concern was how he’d left communication with her. In my opinion, he’d left it open so there were no clear answers. She could assume either way and I’m not one for assumptions. I like to be clear from the start. Although I persisted he let her know he ignored me. What I wasn’t about to do was argue with him too so I had no choice but to let it go. However, I had a baaaad feeling about this.
Here is an instance where her willingness to communicate with me would have been helpful. This is also an instance where I attempted to look out for the best interest of everyone including her but was rendered powerless. Can you see now how important communication is to everything?
The next morning he got up early and packed his things for work. I asked him one more time if he was going to let her know and as if on cue she sent a message. He told her he wasn’t dropping him off and she blew up. I knew this was coming. Why didn’t he listen to me??? He kissed me goodbye and told me he would let me know when she was there. His son was still sleeping when he left. I waited until about 10 min before she typically got there to wake up him up and get him dressed. When he was just about done my husband called me to let me know she was about to pull up. I stayed on the phone with him as I gave his son a hug and kiss then I walked him out. Our condo had a pathway down to the street that was covered by trees so she couldn’t see me standing there as I watched him walk down to her. But here’s where things got really interesting. As I was watching him walk down to her car, I saw her “husband’s” car pull up right behind her. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew what was about to happen. I turned around, walked back into the house and told my husband exactly what I saw.
Me: “Babe I think I saw his car pull up behind hers.”
Him: “What? He’s there?” I could hear the stirrings of anger in his voice.
Me: “Umm yea I think so… but maybe he just came to follow her home and make sure nothing happened. I’m sure that’s all.” I was really trying to keep him from flipping out but just as I finished my sentence there was a knock at the door…
I opened the door and there he was standing. What I couldn’t seem to gather my mind around was this: He knew my husband wasn’t home because he was in fact on the way to work. Why would he approach our home uninvited knowing I as a woman was home alone? I’ll let you marinate on that as I tell you what happened next. I opened the door as my husband was on the phone yelling in my ear.
Him: “He’s at the door?! He’s at my fucking door?!”
Me: “What are you doing here?” My voice now deadpan trying very hard not to match my irritation.
Her “Husband”: “I’m here to let you know you all this bitch ass behavior needs to stop-” I had to interrupt him there.
Me. Voice low. Calm but very cold: “First of all… Don’t ever think you’re going to approach my home and stand on my doorstep talking to me like that. Second, it’s so funny how your here but it’s clear she hasn’t told you everything. You clearly have no idea who you’re dealing with or what the real story is.”
Her “Husband”: “What you have to say isn’t important. The games stop here-” and again I had to interrupt him.
Me: “How about you not ever step a fucking foot onto my doorstep again.” and with that I smiled and slammed the door right in his face. My husband still yelling in my ear.
Me: “Babe he’s gone.”
Him: “What did he say!?”
I recounted to story to him word for word. Internally I was hoping he didn’t do anything crazy. Moments later she texts me.
Her: What'd u say to [father] in front of my son? Whatever he heard u guys discuss
before I got there has him real upset. (Here we go!)Me: Nothing at all. He was probably upset because he saw your husband pull up behind you and was scared of what he might do.
Her: He was upset prior to that when he walked up he was upset and I asked him
what was wrong and he said cuz u were talking to his dad and I asked why u talking to his dad upset him an did he hear something in particular he said yea and then just shut down wouldnt say anything else and cried pretty much the entire way home. I like how u always seem to attempt to place the blame on me and as far as what u said to my husband about me not being honest as If u know more about my divorce/custody decree than me u should know that I have no reason to lie and that NOWHERE in my papers does it say that I or [Father] is obligated to pick [son] up from or turn him over to any place except school and anyone other than [father]/me the rest is at our discretion. (But wait, wasn’t that exactly what she’d just tried to do? INSIST he be dropped off?) Now all I ask is that I don't be made to wait and also that it's not always convenient for me to stop and get him so work with me just like I work with him. (Although she refused to do exchanges with me) What he pulled this morning was absolutely uncalled for and out of spite. (She would know right?)Also Her: And I didn't have my husband do anything....as far as I knew he was at home waiting for me since [father] didn't drop [son] off like he should have. (But didn’t he just pull up right behind your car?) If I wanted to come to [father’s] doorstep I would've done it not sent someone else to do it. If that occurred it was unbeknownst to both [son] and I since I left to rush to get to where I needed to be since I was made to be late due to the games u and [father] chose to play this morning (Wait ME? I chose to play games? Ma’am..? What do I have to do with this?) So [son] can't be upset about what he doesn't know about....but he sure did know/hear whatever it was u and [father] discussed this morning. (Although his father was gone and on the way to work before he ever woke up?)
I didn’t believe a word this women said. He was sleep during our initial conversation last night which wasn’t even a big deal and happened in the privacy of our room. But let’s just say he was sneaking around the door. He wouldn’t have heard anything upsetting and his dad left that morning while he was still sleep. He wasn’t even home when she arrived.Me: Well he wasn’t even awake until a few minutes before you arrived and his dad and I didn’t even have a conversation this morning until after he left. So I have no idea what you are even talking about. Not to mention I saw with my own eyes your husband’s car pull up right behind you before he even made it to your car. Nobody is playing games. You were told by him he didn’t want to do the drop off that way and just like you stated yourself, neither of you are obligated to.
Her: When I got off the fwy at [named exit] he was waiting for me at the exit (but wait… I thought as far as you knew he was waiting at home for you?) I didn't even know he left [home] so again funny how ur so quick to falsely accuse but like I said I pulled off and when I realized he wasn't behind me I called him that's when I found out.... (But let’s consider the time it took for him to get out the car while still pulled up directly behind you, walk up the pathway and up the stairs to my door… You mean to tell me not only did you NOT see him get out the car, WHILE PARKED DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU, you also didn’t reach him in time to say hey, don’t approach their private property. That’s a bad idea?) [son] was unaware that even occurred. (Although [son] saw his car approach and park right behind you before he even got in?) So either way just be more cautious about what u say around my son because it upset him this morning and if u care about and love him likes he's urs like u tell everyone he is (so here’s where your underlying tone admits you’re annoyed I say I love him and call him my son? Yea, I should instead make him feel like a total outcast around my children. You’re totally right ma’am.) then u wouldn't have all this extra crap to say. (I mean considering YOU texted ME first it’s not extra. I’m just responding to your accusations. Not mention, you can text me this book but you can’t send a simple text to say you’re here?)
I’m sure you have eyes and can immediately spot the lies noted and contradictions in her story. None of this made sense. Her story was all over the place. As I previously stated, his car pulled up behind her as her son was walking to her car so clearly, he would have seen him pull up. She would have too. All of her trying to play dumb like she had no clue he was even there was pretty ridiculous and I might’ve been convinced had I not seen him pull up myself. Also, if she didn’t want to be made to wait she could have texted me herself that she was there. Instead, she chose to communicate that to my husband via text who was at work (doing any number of things), who may have gotten the message late who then would have had to stop what he was doing to communicate that to me. All an unnecessary waste of time. What was also pretty crazy was how she said WE were playing games. I had NOTHING to do with this play of events! Lol I’m just here waiting for you to get your son ma’am. I don’t make these decisions. But this is pretty much how things would go moving forward. Anything that went wrong, I was most certainly going to get the blame as the reason it did. I guess it was all above me now… Lol
I talked to my husband afterward and gave him the full play by play and to say he was upset would be an understatement. However, it was partly his fault. He didn’t communicate as well as he should have. I would love to say he learned his lesson after this but he didn’t. However still, this wasn’t even as bad as it would get. It was now about a month before our wedding was scheduled to take place. A date she still didn’t know. Who could’ve predicted she would take things so far as to try and actually fight me?