A Teenage State of Mind....

My daughter is the exact age I was (15) when I met her father…. She is exactly one year younger than the age I was (16) when I found out I was pregnant with her. Let that sink in. Facts…. Mind blowing facts.

When I look at my daughter and I see how much she still has to learn, I can’t help but wonder HOW the HELL I survived life as a teenage mother. At 15 and 16 years old I swear I thought I knew everything. You couldn’t tell me nothing! I’d done research, read books and had watched everyone else fail, so I was SURE I knew all I needed to know. How wrong I was…. I survived because I had a mother who wouldn’t let me quit.

“Looking back, as a mother myself, I now realize the strength it must have taken for my parents to support what would now be my new journey. ”

Someone’s Mother. As I ponder this, I also often wonder, would I be as graceful as MY mother was should that become my daughter’s journey at such a young age as well? I honestly can’t say… I grew up in a family of such strong women so it never occurred to me to be or do anything other than my best.

Making the choice to have sex so young came with SO much I didn’t understand. I definitely didn’t think about everything I WOULD have to give up or put on hold if I became pregnant. College, moving into a dorm, pledging a sorority, late nights clubbing, partying, traveling the world, being footloose and fancy free…? It wasn’t a reality I would ever come to know. Suddenly I went from child to adult with the weight of someone else’s well-being on my shoulders. I was supposed to be YEARS away from that type of responsibility and yet at the ripe age of 17 I was staring into the face of a baby girl whose whole world depended on me getting my shit together. So, I did. I committed 100% and my mother wouldn’t have it any other way.

In my Mother, I didn’t have a built-in babysitter who would watch my daughter whenever I wanted. She didn’t watch her so I could go out, take weekend trips with my friends or stay out late nights. My mother watched my daughter for one of 2 reasons only: Work or School…. That was IT! Admittedly at times it sucked. My teenage years were during a time when teenage pregnancy seemed to be on the rise. Exactly 4 years before the age of “Teen Mom”. What’s crazy is I remember pitching that exact story line to MTV but they declined. Curious…. Lol.

However, because teenage pregnancy was on the rise it wasn’t so much a stigma. I remember being able to look around and see at least 10 other girls who were in the exact same situation as I was. Some younger. Some Older. It wasn’t abnormal to have a friend expecting around the same time you were. I never felt left out in that sense. It came months later. Even years later as my friends and those same girls turned 18, graduated high school and started going out. These girls, who were in the same situation as me or so I thought, actually HAD babysitters. Parents, Siblings, Aunts, or Uncles…? I don’t know. All I DID know was they were out and I was not! Lol  

I was a responsible teenage mom. I held a job consistently. Sometimes multiple jobs at a time, and I was going to college full time. I was only able to do so because my mom watched my daughter for me. So, imagine, in addition to her own job, she had THAT job… I remember the first time I asked her to watch my daughter so I could go out with my friends. She turned her head a FULL 180 to see if I was quite possibly talking to the person behind her. No one was there. I knew in that moment it was a NOPE. A whole HELL nope. She gave me the look. You know the look? The “This is what you signed up for.” Look? It was moments like those where reality set it. There were no off days in parenting.

It was tough and of course, I have many more stories of exactly how tough. However, those moments taught me so much more than I would’ve EVER learned had she just given in and watched her. It was in those moments I learned the full weight/lesson of actions and consequences. So…. As I now parent a teenage daughter of my own, I try to remind myself that I was her age once. I have to remind myself which lessons I need to teach her, how to decide when it’s important to explain vs. just saying NO or because I said so, or when to let her bump her head and learn those life lessons on her own.

“Most important, how to NOT yell and scream my frustration at her when she just won’t listen. That never helps anyone. Trust me. ”

That is the hardest part. I KNOW I would be a different person today if it wasn’t for my daughter or Mother who forced me to be responsible and not give up. I can only imagine some of the awful decisions I would’ve made if I’d only had myself to worry about. Having that little girl look up to me kept me from so many poor choices. Of THAT I am sure.

So, while she was my blessing (not so much in disguise), who kept me on a straight path, I think I’ve learned that lesson enough for the both of us. She doesn’t need to learn it too. Lol. I guess the most important take away is to remember I was her age once. Wisdom doesn’t just happen. It’s taught.