Bitter Black Woman

In life, we are all dealt a hand. How we play, our fate to choose. Yet at times it can feel as though cards are being unfairly tossed in along the way. Cards that shouldn’t even be there. The wild cards. The real question then becomes how do you play the wild cards you never saw coming?

I was having a conversation with my best friend, expressing to her my frustrations about a particular situation. At the end of it all, she looked at me said, “Wow, you’re bitter.”. I had the same reaction anyone would have. “No I’m NOT. I’m pissed.” She looked at me, and said softly out of love of course, “No, you’re bitter…”. Me being who I am and her knowing very well who that is, we both said at the same time “Let’s google the definition.” And so, we did. 

Bitter: Angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.

I read the definition, lined it up with my frustrations, and had a disappointing epiphany. I WAS bitter. A bitter woman. A bitter black woman. The exact thing we run as far away from being called as possible. However, how could I possibly deny it at this point? The definition indisputable and right there for me to see. It was at that moment I realized how easy it was to become the very thing I never wanted to be. 

My frustration bitterness stemmed very much from being handed what I deemed to be the short end of the stick. Why had I been thrown this wild card? Why had I been placed in this extremely unfair, overwhelming situation? Why, why, why… The why’s fed my bitterness like the finest of steak dinners and the feast I fed it allowed it to grow and thrive for more time than I’d ever care to admit. Thankfully, in realizing this, I knew exactly what I needed to do next. Starve it.

We are all dealt cards. Sometimes, very wild, unpleasant cards and yet still, how we play our fate to choose. Our ideals telling us that just knowing the why will make it all make sense. Little do we know, in chasing the why we’re leaving a steak dinner of bread crumbs for our bitter beast to follow. 

NOW when I look back, the why aside, to this particularly frustrating time in my life, I see the rainbow through the storm I never thought would end. Yes, it was unpleasant, but what I gained far outweighed the unpleasantries. I gained character, will, discipline, patience, and a sense of accomplishment and in the end, sometimes THAT’S the why. What you gain from playing the wild card you were dealt with no choice but to play; No choice but to push through. If you really think about it, in most games the joker (the wild card) is the most powerful card in the deck. If played right, it has the power to win in any hand you play.   

So, I WAS a bitter, black woman. Parts of her still live there. But every day I starve the beast. There’s only room for one of us in here.