NEVER, Say Never
“It just goes to show, never say never, or the next thing you know, you’ll be doing what you said you never would.”
I should know by now the dangers of saying never. It’s almost like daring God to make you do exactly what you said you wouldn’t. Not one of the smartest things I’d ever done and yet because of it, there I was trying to talk myself out of breaking my own promise.
Growth is a funny thing. We all say we want it without considering how painfully uncomfortable it can be. That deep, wild, change you long for a lifetime of growth is hardly ever rainbows and sunshine. It requires self-awareness, self-reflection, and accountability. It's internal work that can be easier if you have someone to guide you but in the end, the work is still on you.
The growth I was looking for was in the area of empathy. It’s a strange feeling to be able to understand emotions without feeling them. Strange for me at least since I am an empath. When I was younger I use to feel EVERYTHING. When people would have a conflict I could walk into the room and feel it. When people were sad I could feel it. If any singular emotion was strong enough I would take it on. But as I became older I grew to see crying as a weakness. It was something I’d been taught through years of bullying. The more I cried the more they bullied me until eventually, I learned to control it. Never let them see you sweat is what I would tell myself. The problem is, as an empath, when you cut yourself off from that God-given gift you cut yourself off from the insight you gain of the complete picture.
Empathy over the years had caused me to give extra chances when I shouldn’t; Stay in toxic relationships for longer than I should. Empathy I felt, in so many ways had caused me to become/appear weak. So I cut it off. Like a light switch, I flipped it and built a bubble around myself to keep my energy in and other’s out. Only reaching out to cherry-pick what I needed to make decisions. I could see and understand the root of someone else’s emotions without ever having to feel them. I preserved my energy even when I knew sharing could help them. God forbid someone see me shed a tear for fear they’d think me weak, or that they had gotten over on me.
See, to me when I saw tears I saw pain, and well, giving someone the power to hurt you seemed like a ridiculous idea to me. Knowing how bullies thrived on seeing them hurt me made me view the expression of pain and hurt as gasoline to the fire they started. So, I became very apprehensive in showing anyone they had that kind of power over me. Instead, I would become cold. I would give them the same energy they gave me. The thing about being an empath is when you give someone the same energy they give you, you immediately feel bad for it. I would see myself causing someone pain and the second I begin to feel any type of empathy I would squash it like the nat I felt it was, justifying to myself they deserved it because it was how they were treating me. But remember, and hear me clearly when I say, retaliation never leads to anything good.
It wasn’t my empathy that needed to be cut off. My discernment was what needed work. While empathy gives you insight into the bigger picture, discernment is actually what helps you to make the best decisions. But the pain for me was like a trigger that turned my discernment off. I feared loving because in love you had the power to hurt. Or at least that’s what I told myself. So anytime I felt the potential of hurt coming on I froze. Literally. You can only practice a behavior for so long before you have to stop and consider if it’s really serving you.
When I begin to look back over some of the most difficult experiences I’d had, I realized in nearly all of those situations empathy paired with discernment would have served me well. That’s when the work began. God is… Well, clever. Of course, he is lol. When you start to recognize how he moves with you then you REALLY begin to understand the sound of his voice. What it feels like when he’s pushing or pulling at you to do something different than what you are considering. It’s very similar to a parent understanding the ways in which to parent each child. I understand completely now, how and when he’s speaking. His voice is clear as day.
However, it would only be fair for me to extend a word of caution. If you are praying for something, be completely sure about what you are asking. Especially when it’s in the area of growth because whatever you ask of him he will put you in positions that force you to do exactly that. He will set you up to practice at it time and time again. I promise. If you have ever taken a step back to wonder why the same things keep happening to you, really step back and figure out if you are catching the lesson in it all. Chances are God has you in practice and you don’t even see it.
Anyway, God had me in practice for months. Every time I’d pass a level a new insight would become available to me. The reward or fruits of my labor so to speak. Each insight equipped me for the next stage of practice. Until the final test. Gameday. When I found out my son’s mom would be coming into town for 6 weeks I had an anxiety attack. Truly. I panicked. Our last conversation had been a screaming match just 4 months prior and all I could think about was the many ways in which she could choose to ruin not only my day but my family. Every worst-case scenario came to mind all at once and I couldn’t cope. It was at that moment I realized the real problem. Me. I wasn’t innocent. She was out here to see her son after having not seen him for almost a year and a half. It wasn’t about me at all. Perspective.
When I ended the blended series little did I know how much anger I was still harboring. I believe I said something along the lines of… I would never have another conversation with this woman unless God himself looked me in the face and told me to. Again, dare God to do anything and he will. Months after completing “Blended” I’d often sit back and think of everything I’d do or should have done differently. Had I been equipped with the knowledge, discernment, and empathy I had fought so hard to regain our situation most certainly would have turned out differently. She was a hurt woman when I met her. I did not meet her at her best. Imagine someone met you at your lowest point and decided to judge you based on that? How unfair would that be? Thinking back I remember feeling really bad for some of my choices and I now recognize that was empathy trying to peek through. In those times I’d felt bad, instead of seeing it for what it really was, I saw it as her trying to manipulate me. But that wasn’t it at all. It was God trying to show me all the ways in which my shared energy could have helped her. She deserved better than what I gave her and the truth was I owed her an apology. But how would I do it? That was the question.
I was almost certainly the last person on earth she would want to speak to. But I knew what God was telling me, so I prayed. He gave me a very clear answer. Let down your bubble and you will know. He was right. The moment came while sitting at our son’s Graduation. It felt as if he were literally sitting shoulder to shoulder with me. We had this entire dialogue back and forth.
God: Let down your bubble… What do you feel?
Me: Excitement. Happiness.
God: Reach further.
Me: Nerves…
God: … and?
Me: Sadness. Uncertainty. Anguish… Turmoil.
… and at that moment it was as if he touched me and all the unanswered questions were suddenly electric and live in my mind.
God: Do you feel it?
I was overcome with sadness and regret because I knew I played a part in causing this: Yes.
God: Will you help me answer a prayer or will you be disobedient?
Me: Yes... Just give me a sign.
God: When the moment comes you’ll know.
And with that, he left me to my thoughts and the emotions of every parent sitting in that stadium. Covid restrictions meant it was only us, her, and her younger son. We were to be dismissed by section and I instinctively felt the struggle she would have to capture this moment. One we could never get back. I knew I would start by offering to help. I didn’t know how or when but I had faith. When we were dismissed my husband and I got separated as I went to the gate to catch footage of him coming out. Someone stepped in front of me just as I was moving forward and they immediately turned around to say “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to step in front of you.”
It was her. By this point, God had left me raw. I felt everything. I pushed against her energy with my own searching for anything resembling anger. I felt nothing at all. For the first time in a long time, the energy I felt coming from her was… open. I had a moment of wondering if she even recognized me. My hair WAS a different color. But at that moment his voice came. Now… he whispered. I didn’t hesitate. I leaned over.
Me: Hey, do you want help taking pictures?
She shook her head “Yes, thank you.” and her eyes were kind. Another first for me. I had a moment to wonder if this feeling had been here before and how energy blind my bubble had kept me. I tried my luck again. I knew our son would value a picture with both of his parents. I leaned over to asked if she would be ok with it and seeing the same kindness, she said yes again. This was it. I knew today I would give her the apology she so greatly deserved.
We took so many pictures. Pictures of her and me with our son. Pictures of our son with both his parents, both his siblings, etc… I could literally feel all the emotional weight dropping. My heart was becoming whole again. I spent the better part of 30 mins trying to decide on the right time to pull her aside. I even contemplated leaving everything where it was but every time I thought about chickening out on the apology God was there as a firm reminder. I knew I’d have deep regrets if I didn’t take the opportunity he’d held my hand and led me to. When I finally got the nerve, I asked and we stepped aside to talk after she took her last picture. I had no idea what I was going to say but I figured just like everything else, I’d know and my heart would speak. I could tell she thought it might be a lengthy conversation but I started by telling her…
Me: It won’t be long I promise. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart I am SO sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you all these years…
… and with those last 4 words, the tears fell. Empathy wasn’t weakness. It was strength. I looked at her and saw her tears come. I knew it was the apology she never thought she would get. But she deserved it. She really did.
Smiling while waving her hands over her eyes she said, “We can’t do this here!”
I continued through my tears.
Me: I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a while now. I know this situation was SO difficult for you to deal with. I didn’t have the empathy for you I should have had and you deserved so much better from me. I knew better.
She looked at me tears still present and reached out to hug me. I hugged her and whispered to God. Please… free her and free me too… as she spoke to me her own apology. Something I never thought I would hear. It didn’t even matter to me at that moment if she apologized. I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was. But I’m thankful. I feel like that was the moment where God finally got us to the same place at the same time. Synchronicity just as a chapter was closing.
I am no longer concerned about how long this will last because I saw how directly God’s hand was in it. I can’t speak to her feelings or what any of this felt like for her but what I can say is that I will continue to move in love and view empathy as the strength it is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving people in spite of, because at the end of it all doesn’t God love US in spite of ourselves? My deepest apologies to the woman I should have shown more love, empathy, and kindness to.
1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.