Blended: She Will NEVER Be His Family
“I did something that made me feel awful but justified at the same time. I lied.”
While my husband and I were still in the phase of friendship and getting to know each other, we had plenty of conversations. It was towards the end of 2008 and during this time he told me he was going through a divorce. He was basically waiting for it to be final but she kept conveniently forgetting papers and doing everything she could to delay the inevitable. I told him about my past and how my last relationship ended. He told me about his and how it ended as well. I remember feeling my heart break for him as he recounted story after story of verbal abuse, physical abuse and betrayal. He had clearly been dealing with an extremely broken person. However, there is one thing I will say I realized in those moments as well. That relationship had broken him too. In different ways we are ALL broken. It’s not like I wasn’t broken in some ways as well. No one ever survives unscathed and completely in the right regarding these types of situations, however, in those moments I understood every choice he made. Since I knew he was looking for something more with me I made him a promise. I promised him if we chose to move forward in a relationship I would NEVER betray him as she did. I kept it.
I didn't have to deal with the reality of his ex wife much in the beginning. She was a complete non factor. He had full custody of his son and nothing ever came up that required us to be in the same room. I do remember when our kids had their first playdate. It was a Wednesday. Court orders required they both be in contact with their son via phone every night while the other had him. When the play date was done we both left to go to bible study. We drove separate cars. When he called his mom he told her about the playdate he’d had with his friend, my daughter.
Her: “Who else was there?”
Son: “Her mom and her baby brother.”
Her: “Let me talk to your dad.”
From this day forward the questions would become non-stop and in a lot of instances extremely strange. Not in an I just want to make sure your environment is good type of way. More like an I want to figure out who your father is dating and everything about who this woman is type way. Although this would be a new element thrown into the equation it really didn’t effect much. That is until it was time for his son to graduate from kindergarten. ::Sigh::
[Insert Angry Text] “I hope you’re not bringing HER to the graduation! She’s not now nor will she EVER be his family!” -Ex Wife
Imagine an adorable little 5 year old walking up to you while you’re cooking in the kitchen and tugging on the bottom of your shirt. You look down and as you look down he looks down too. He’s shy but you know he has something to ask you. He’s clearly had to build up some type of courage. So, you reach down, pick him up and set him down on the counter in front of you. You ask..
Me: “Ok, spill it. What’s on your mind Mister?”
Son: He smiles. He looks up at you and with all the courage he can muster he asks, “Will you come to my graduation to see me graduate?”
… and just like that your heart breaks. See, his father and I had already discussed this. His ex wife had a very violent, unpredictable and volatile nature. After all the questions and text messages she’d sent, we just KNEW my being there would be a HORRIBLE idea. I really wanted to go and support them both but the graduation was not about us. It didn’t seem fair to risk ruining his day. I did something that made me feel awful but justified at the same time. I lied. I hugged him. Thanked him for wanting me there but then told him I had to work and would not be able to make it. I did promise to celebrate with him later though. We do what we have to do to protect our children. Unfortunately I wouldn’t know how one sided that sentiment was until later.
Not ALL parents see things that way. I would later come to find she had a habit of putting HER emotions above her son’s. I would be shown time and time again she was incapable of controlling her emotions and putting on a good face for him. I would kiss him goodbye the morning of his graduation feeling terrible. The graduation happened. His son got a nice picture with both his parents playing nice and lunch was had with grandparents and family. Disaster was averted. That was the goal. I remember him texting me all through lunch about how awkward it was and how he didn’t want to be there with her but he did good. He put on a good face for his son as all parents should do. His family, he and I met up after however, something happened... I think the day of the graduation reality hit her. Nothing rips you a new one like Karma. You see, let me give you a little back story. I’m going to tell you a VERY short version of why my husband left his ex wife.
When he was in the Air Force they were introduced by mutual friends. The relationship started off normal enough but it wasn’t until about 6 months in he realized it probably wouldn’t work. They got into an argument and all her brokenness started simmering just below the surface. He caught a glimpse of that temper... But he stayed. He stayed through her multiple infidelities with multiple men. At one point she even had a whole boyfriend in a different state who had a girlfriend himself! Like minds I guess… He eventually broke it off with her because he got his own girlfriend pregnant I think. She would of course take that anger out on my unsuspecting husband who at the time would have no clue why she was REALLY mad. He stayed through her lies about having to work when really she was wasn’t. She would say she was going to work but actually meet up with her friends and other men. One time he caught her doing this when he ran into her at the gas station all dressed up. She was suppose to be at work. Their son was in the backseat with him. It would start when he was just a baby but would continue until eventually he became old enough to remember.
He stayed through her verbal abuse. He even stayed through her cutting up his clothes because she was mad. This particular instance happened when he was at work. She was watching “American Idol” going to town on his clothes. How we know the show you might ask? Well, she did this in front of their very confused son who went to school the next day and told his teacher who then told his father. He even stayed through her pouring acetone in his body wash and to be clear, this is just to name a few instances. There were MANY. When he asked her why she would do something like that she said it was because she just wanted him to burn. He even married her hoping she’d act like a wife but that lasted exactly a year. Apparently she’d stayed out all night and hadn’t come home. The next morning she called him on the phone crying to him that she’d done something. I don’t know if he ever figured out exactly what that “something” was but he had an idea. He was done. They would separate for the first time shortly after. Only he could truly tell his story and maybe that will come one day but it’s not an easy story to hear.
“It’s all my fault. What a hard pill to swallow...” -Ex Wife
She moved out and they were done. For a while at least. They were very much on and off but it was in the Spring of 2008 that he tried to work it out with her just one more time. He really tried. For several months actually but he just couldn’t. Mentally he was done by June but he didn’t leave until mid August because he wanted to wait until after his son’s birthday (Cue first arrest). His heart just wasn’t in it. SHE still wanted to be a family. Maybe something clicked for her and she finally saw his value. I can’t say. But against everything she wanted, against all of her begging and pleading, he left. He left her for good. I can’t blame him one bit for why he left. How could anyone? However, I would come to know soon she wasn’t letting go without a fight.