Blended: An Unlikely Witness

“For the dead and the living, we must bear witness.”

I often imagine how things would have progressed had I not found out everything when I did. Over the years situations just as this are what have taught me the value of patience and my good friend Time; Reinforcing everything I already knew about listening to my intuition. If something doesn’t look or feel right, chances are it’s not. Many things could’ve happened had I not seen the darkness hiding in the light pretending to merely be shade from the blistering sun. I could very well have found out this information AFTER I had allowed Bee to watch our baby, AFTER I had decided to trust her more than I already did and certainly AFTER I’d brought her even closer into my inner circle. Was this revelation hurtful? Absolutely. But if I’m being honest I have to say I was probably more upset than I was hurt and more relieved than I was sad. The hurt came from the realization of her malicious intent. However, I couldn’t discount my relief. It’s hard to stay mad or sad when you realize the bullet you’ve just dodged. When it came down to it, how could I miss losing something that held so little value? Could I have confronted her? Yes, but it would’ve accomplished nothing. I had no desire to know her reasons for doing what she did. It was too blatant and there were no possible, justifiable explanations she could give. All I could be was thankful for spotting the snake in the grass before it crossed over into the threshold of my home. Closed doors are never meant to be reopened and that is exactly how I would come to see Bee.

Even in the depths of their wrong, husbands are meant to stand by their wives and that is exactly what my husband’s friend would do. This would result in another lost friendship and that would make me feel horribly sad for him. I knew he didn’t see the blessing in disguise for what it was. At least not initially. But the one lesson he WOULD learn was something I had been telling him for years. Never deal with people on a personal level who also deal with his ex-wife personally. The dynamics between us all were too tumultuous. It would be an immediate conflict of interest. We as human beings build natural biases. Anyone dealing with us and in the mix with us all, were sure to eventually lean one way or the other. It’s human nature. These lost friendships would teach him the caution I’d been trying to teach him all of these years but could never quite fully get through to him. There is nothing like a betrayal to make you value the loyalty around you. Although my husband and I were shocked, WBF wasn’t shocked at all. From the second Bee asked me about our communication she knew it was her. What shocked me most was that my husband’s ex-wife would let a complete stranger make her doubt her own family. I hardly knew Bee myself so his Ex DEFINITELY didn’t know her well enough to place such weight on her word.

When WBF’s cousin came at her with all of these accusations, unfortunately, she wasn’t that surprised. Her behavior had been pretty weird up to this point. My experiences with my husband’s ex-wife had shown me how far she was willing to go when she was triggered by something, however, I thought that behavior was exclusive to me. I never imagined she would exhibit those same traits with her own family. One of the issues WBF had been having with her cousin was her offense at their lack of communication. Seeing as they never really communicated regularly before, she was extremely confused by it, and although WBF appreciated her cousin’s desire for a relationship she didn’t appreciate constantly having to explain herself. Now, thinking back, I realize his ex-wife’s desire probably came from a need to claim the territory she felt was hers. Her family. Along with her keeping an eye on me via social media and Bee’s input, I’m sure she gathered WBF and I talked often. Much more often than they did and I’m sure our growing friendship triggered her. However, one thing she probably didn’t realize was her behavior, how strong she was coming on and her attitude about it all was pushing WBF away. She was so easily offended as if forgetting WBF was pregnant for the first time. It was a lot. Everyone’s body responds differently and she was almost just a sick as I was. There was a level of comfort between WBF and me, not only because we had an already established relationship, but also because we were currently going through pregnancy together. Of course, she would choose to call the one person she knew understood her. We could complain about pregnancy endlessly to each other and never get tired of it because it was us.

Our joint pregnancies brought us closer than ever. We talked several times a day even if it was to merely sit on the phone in silence and periodically curse our discomfort under our breath to each other. With us talking so often you can imagine WBF would also witness my relationship with my husband’s ex-wife come crashing down. Yet, even with everything going on, I would still encourage her to have a relationship with her cousin. The way I saw it, if anyone could talk some sense into my husband’s ex-wife it would be WBF. She KNEW me. She knew my heart and she knew my intentions. She also knew the truth about everything that was going on. She’d personally witnessed most of these situations play out, unbeknownst to her cousin. When issues would arise I’d talk to WBF about them hoping to avoid the conflict I knew was imminent. I’d get her view on things and try to come up with some type of plan based on the limited insight she had of her personality. However, as many times as I would try to implement some sort of resolution, in almost every instance, the entire situation would backfire.

I can imagine her cousin tried on many occasions to gain WBF as an ally. Yet knowing what I know personally and based on my experiences with his ex-wife, it would be just like her to over embellish a story or outright lie. Since she wasn’t successful at any attempts to pull information from WBF and with her not knowing how well she actually knew me or what she actually knew about the situation, she’d treat her just like Bee or any other Track Mom and horribly miscalculate her approach. This would be the EXACT behavior that made it very clear to WBF her intentions were never about rekindling their relationship as family. She was merely trying to use her as another pawn on the board in which we played chess. However, because she knew nothing about WBF as an actual person, she had no clue she was playing with the queen on my side of the board. Not because she liked me more. But simply because she saw the truth. Her actions would land her in checkmate and kill any credibility she might’ve had. Had she put as much effort into trying to build their relationship as she did trying to destroy ours, she would’ve known above everything, WBF valued loyalty. More than that, she would’ve gained a GREAT friend. However, now realizing her cousin was trying to work her for information and insulting her intelligence by doing so, WBF didn’t cut her off completely, she just loosened the rope to keep her further away. Family was still family. The question was would she use that rope to hang herself? I had hope, that is, until she did something so weird her sanity would come into question.

As we were nearing the end of our joint pregnancies, we started planning our baby showers. Since WBF was out of state she was hoping to fly back and have one in California with all of her closest friends. We thought it would be cool to plan them within days of each other so she could attend mine and I attend her’s. She wanted to have a sleepover baby shower. Girl talk, snacks and movies. She also had plans to have a family shower as well so inviting her cousin to the friend-shower wasn’t even a thought. Nonetheless, that wouldn’t stop her from inquiring… When asked WBF would instead invite her to the family shower and suggest she bring her mom and brother as well. Her cousin didn’t know any of her other friends. Actually, her invite list was short and mainly good friends we both shared in common from work. People who had watched her go through trial after trial to get to this point. Her having a baby was a pivotal moment for all of us. Our group was built of people who had a special place in her heart, held a piece of her story and were connected to each other in different ways. Even still, she would persist, telling her she wanted to go to the friend-shower. By this point, we weren’t on speaking terms at all so WBF would finally tell her I would be there and if it wouldn’t be an issue and she wanted to attend, then great. Of course she said it wouldn’t be an issue and for added measure she even offered to help plan it. But WBF would tell her she had plenty of help, to just attend as a guest and enjoy it. Activate, Ex-wife triggered…

We knew it was possible she would insist on coming to the shower and as family courtesy WBF knew she’d have to invite her. I’d already told WBF ahead of time I was ok with it. My only condition was that she not start anything. It was WBF’s first baby and I wanted her to enjoy everything that came along with it. I didn’t want the issues her cousin and I had to interfere.

WBF: “This is going to be so uncomfortable. She doesn’t even know anyone and I know she’d enjoy the family shower so much more but she asked why she couldn’t just come to both.”

Me: “It’s totally fine! Don’t worry about it. Just focus on enjoying your shower. I told you I was fine with it and I meant it. Let her come if she wants. It’s not like she’s going to spend the night with us.” I added chuckling.

WBF: “She just might if she finds out about it.”

Me: “She may come but I’m sure she’s not going to feel comfortable spending the night. She doesn’t know anyone who’s going to be there and they’re OUR friends. Why would she subject herself to that? I promise you it’s not going to be as bad as you think.”

WBF: “She even asked to help me plan it. I was scared to tell her I already had you and my stepmom helping me. I told her to just come and enjoy it as a guest.”

Me: “I told my Mom it was possible she would be there and she literally told me to watch my food and drink like I was at the club. She’s afraid she might try to do something to me like mess with my food or trip me down the stairs or something and say oops! I can’t believe her!” I said laughing, “But the crazy thing is at this point I don’t put much past her.”

WBF: Laughing “Omg if she kills you at my baby shower I’m going to be soooo pissed. I can’t be a new mom alone.” I so enjoyed her sarcasm and ability to joke.

Me: “I promise I won’t let her smother me in my sleep!” We laughed and that would be that.

What I didn’t see coming is what would happen next. It would be about a week or so later, WBF would call me so upset because her cousin was now going around telling their family she wasn’t invited to the baby shower. I was shocked! What was happening here? She’d literally been invited to BOTH showers at this point.

WBF: “Well first of all, what was weird as fuck is that she would go behind my back and try to plan my shower for me! Even after I told her I didn’t need her help and to just enjoy it. If I didn’t invite you then why would you try to plan my fucking shower????” She cursed like a sailor when she was upset.

Me: “She did what? What do you mean?”

WBF: “Even after I told her I didn’t need her help she called my stepmom and asked to be involved in the planning every step of the way. She wanted to help with EVERYTHING!”

Me: “I mean, you didn’t tell me exactly how that conversation went but are you sure she wasn’t just trying to be helpful?”

WBF: “I don’t know what she was doing. I was very adamant in that conversation about not needing her help at all. There was no way for her to misunderstand it. So when I heard about that of course I called and asked her about it. She had so much to say about me having a relationship with you and that being the reason I didn’t invite her. She was so CONVINCED of everything she was saying that had I not had proof I actually invited her or if I didn’t personally KNOW you, I would believed you were, IN FACT, a monster and me a liar. Like who on earth has the time or energy to fabricate something that extensive? Let alone spend that much time or energy focused on someone outside of their husband, child or mother…”

I didn’t know what to say. I truly thought her need to fabricate stories was exclusive to me. But to outright lie about being invited to a baby shower when there was text proof of said invite? And on your family at that?

Me: “Wow… Girl, I don’t know what to say. This is pretty much what I’ve had to deal with for years with her. Imagine, you ACTUALLY know me. You witnessed a lot of what was going on for yourself. Think about what the people who don’t know me actually think? The people who’ve witnessed nothing. I think it’s scary how well she lies.”

WBF: “I’m TELLING you, she’s not lying. She’s truly convinced of everything she’s saying. THAT’S what’s scary. I didn’t expect her to hang up and tell our WHOLE family that I didn’t even invite her and be sooooooo CONVIIIIIINCED. I had to tell her several times. But I INVITED you. I invited you! Not only to one shower but two!! It was insane. I’m too pregnant and stressed to deal with this shit.”

… & there was my last hope. WBF definitely wasn’t going to convince her of anything because her cousin had now turned on her. My husband’s ex-wife was doing to her exactly what she had been doing to me for YEARS. She was gaslighting her. The saddest thing would be that WBF’s cousin had allowed her triggers to cost her a relationship with a family member. One she would have benefited greatly from. What was she thinking? Although the situation sucked I couldn’t help but feel validated. I wasn’t crazy or over reactive. My husband’s ex-wife WAS truly insane…