Blended: This Is War
“It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy.”
It is in our nature to fight when we feel threatened. Anger management is quite literally what will either secure your victory or seal your downfall. Unchecked anger means it is almost inevitable you become so sucked into the fight you burn everything down around you with a smile just to win. This is where I was at. When we were initially served, although upsetting, it was expected. She did just as she said she would do. Since she could not have the attention or ear of my husband, she took us to court. Even though we had a strong case for him to stay, I could feel the immediate anxiety hit my husband the moment we were served. Under pressure, some feel the weight. Under pressure, I thrive. My brain kicks into overdrive. I can immediately think of 10 different solutions to solve the problem at hand, each having a plan A-Z. So while my husband needed a moment to get his bearings, I started planning.
The first thing we needed to do was ask our son what he REALLY wanted. The fact was, if he wanted to go, we should not stand in his way. He was old enough to make his own decision. This wasn’t an idea my husband liked or wanted to entertain, but he had no choice so, we sat him down. The look on our son’s face was heartbreaking. He wore the stress like the heaviest of crosses to bear. Having this conversation was the last thing he wanted to do for either side, and he looked like he just wanted to cry from the sheer stress of it all. I felt horrible for him. This was a lose-lose situation no matter what he chose. Although he came into the conversation pretty resolved to stay, we asked him so many different ways if he really wanted to go, by the end of our conversation I’m sure he was sick of us both but, we had to know. His mother had been so adamant he’d said he wanted to go with her we had to make sure he wasn’t just telling us both what we wanted to hear. In the end though, he seemed sure about his choice to stay.
It would be that point we show him all the court paperwork. Everything with her fighting for him to go. He was NOT happy. He didn’t want to go to court at all. However, she’d tell him she was doing this because his dad was refusing to discuss custody with her. A lie obviously. Despite that, I would tell him if he wanted to avoid court then his best bet would be to have a conversation with her. I told him he needed to tell her exactly how he felt and give her his choice because she wouldn’t care or believe anything we said. So he did… She would basically tell him he didn’t know what he wanted or what was good for him and proceed anyway. Luckily I’d been keeping meticulous track of our son’s time spent with us. We’d also take him to get a written statement of what he wanted notarized. Along with other info about his activities and what would be on the line if he moved, my husband complied a response to file in court.
Because my husband refused to give her the type of conversation she felt she needed, she decided to hire a legal consultant and request we not communicate with her. She hired a middle man. Our first court date would be to decide if the hearings were going to be rushed or not. By this point, it was about 30 days before she was scheduled to leave (her husband having left already) and she was pushing for a decision to happen in 2 weeks. We were against this for the simple fact it was SHE who decided to tell us all of this information at the last minute. She’d known for months and should have let us know the moment she found out but of course, that would have been too decent. Before our first court date, her legal consultant would send a string of emails back and forth between us and her basically saying she was willing to agree to let him stay. She just had some “stipulations” she wanted us to agree to. My husband was open so he told the consultant he would be willing to discuss terms. We still didn’t agree with the rush but the court date was already set. We’d go hoping to get the request denied.
Walking into that courthouse felt like walking into battle. Honestly just seeing her made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe we were going through all of this when she was the ONLY one who wanted him to go. Ripping him out of high school dead in the middle when he had so much going for him and so many scholarship opportunities, was selfish. At this point, we were fighting for what he wanted as well. She was fighting to take his voice away. When we sat down in that courtroom it was about an hour or so in before we handed her consultant our response. This would be the first time his mother see our son’s notarized letter of intent and I’m sure she was shocked to see it. Even though she’d probably say we forced him to write it, it was the single most important paper we had. At this point she’d been telling everyone around her he wanted to go and he was just telling us what we wanted to hear. The letter was proof we weren’t putting words in his mouth. It was what HE wanted. I could see the legal consultant’s wheels turning. As it was nearing our turn to be seen by the judge she asked my husband to step outside and talk to her. My first thought was NO.
Me: It’s almost our turn. She’s on her side. Remember that. You shouldn’t be talking to her without a mediator or a lawyer of your own present.
Him: She said she wants to talk about her letting him stay.
Me: I don’t care. I still don’t think it’s a good idea and you shouldn’t go.
As we went back and forth he started to get frustrated with me. Even his aunt told him not to go, but at this point he wanted all of this to be over. He did what he wanted to do. He really felt a conversation could help things along but I knew better. Something about the consultant’s timing just didn’t sit well with me. She knew if the tables were turned a lawyer's #1 piece of advice would be never to talk to the opposition's attorney without your attorney present. I wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t going to argue with him either. He stepped out and I stayed in. I didn’t want to miss the judge calling our case. A moment later the consultant stepped in and told me he wanted to speak to me outside. That’s when I knew this was a tactic. If we were both outside the courtroom when our case was called, she could speak for us all and get the motion to rush granted. I stepped out. He started telling me what she said. It was nothing new. Nothing different from what the emails we’d been getting from her said.
Me: We need to get back in there. I don’t want to be out here when it's our turn. If we're not there when they call she is going to get what she wants to be pushed through.
No sooner did I say it we turned around and they were coming out. The plan worked. We’d get served the rest of the paperwork and she would walk out smug and victorious as we sat there reading what she filed. According to her paperwork, she had no intention of letting him stay. I would come home FURIOUS!
“He shares a room with his 10 year old step brother who has behavior outbursts and makes a habit of urinating in the bed and other areas in their shared sleeping space.”
Reading the court paperwork infuriated me more than I can even begin to explain. There are no words I could put to paper to capture my rage. She’d turned her vicious nature I’d long been experiencing for the last 10 years now onto my son. The same son she’d called a crying banshee at the beginning of our relationship. MY baby.
So many scenarios went through my mind on the many ways I could destroy her. I could crash and burn her entire marriage down around her wearing a smile on my face with one carefully crafted sentence. However, the second I felt my soul turning black an alarm rang in my head and more importantly, my heart. Over the years she’d carefully constructed a nest, strand by strand, woven of misery, vengeance, and regret that lived in the bottom of a black hole no-one should ever have to visit deep down in her soul. Did I really want to take a permanent field trip to the bottom of that hole and become her roommate? The answer was no. I had impressionable eyes looking at me. I had to do better. Revenge is easy. Not taking vengeance into your own hands when you have all the ammunition to do so takes more control than most are even capable of. No matter how angry I was I just couldn’t do it. I am VERY spiritually and self aware. If I’m being honest, at times I make choices knowing the karmic trouble I’d pull my way. I make them regardless, feeling the karmic punishment would be worth how good I’d feel in the moment of doing what I want. Never from an immoral standpoint, of course, though I guess that would depend on what you feel to be immoral. Just simply, if I have the opportunity to be the bigger person I will consciously make a choice not to. I’d rather prove a point, feel justified and vindicated in that moment than be gracious. Unfortunately or I should say VERY fortunately for her AND my soul, I wasn’t willing to carry the burden, weight, or withstand the shrapnel of that particular Karmic bomb. Leaving well enough alone would serve me well. This is when I would learn…
“Sometimes you have to know when NOT to give people what they deserve...”
Nobody was playing with this woman anymore and my husband’s family was now pissed as well. We hired a lawyer. I went in search of the best most vicious attorney in Los Angeles and I found them. It was steep but the cost well worth it. We’d explain everything to them and as far as they saw it we’d win. They got to work. Once she realized we had a lawyer, it would seem all of a sudden, she wanted to work with us. Mediation would be scheduled. Although I couldn’t go into mediation I would still go with my husband for support. She’d come alone. In the meeting she wouldn’t get very far with the mediator. They’re trained to see through bullshit. Every point she thought she had would get shut down as irrelevant. By the time they left she’d successfully talk herself into only 5 weeks a year with our son for the duration of his high school career. The only thing we had left to do was have our lawyers draw up the agreement. There were a few things I made sure were included. For example: She wanted the option to see him if ever she was in town. I made sure she’d have to give us 30 days' notice to agree. The last thing we wanted or needed was to have her popping up whenever she wanted. By this point I had learned much about her and how she operated over the years. I couldn’t put anything past her at this point. If she even so much as got a whiff we had big plans and she could pop into town to ruin them, she would. Not a chance in hell. I went through that final agreement with a fine-tooth comb to make sure all loopholes were covered. I wanted to know that once she left she’d no longer be a threat or be able to torment my family ever again.
When we appeared at the next court date which would be a week or so later, her husband would be with her. I guess that was for the best since she’d need him. The judge would sign off on our final order and we’d WIN. We would win and this nightmare would be over. At least for my husband and I. For our son he would lose. There was no winning in this situation for him. Short of her deciding to stay, he would lose no matter the outcome. They would be leaving 2 weeks later. As they walked out ahead of us with our son to say goodbye, my husband and I stayed behind and walked just a little slower. We held hands.
Me: I’m so glad that’s finally over.
Him: Me too.
… And I could see the visible relief on his face. We hugged and continued to walk out. As we stood outside in front of the courthouse I looked over to where our son and his mom was standing. I could see her holding him as tight as she could while she cried. Her mouth was moving but I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. If I had to guess it was probably a lot of reassurances and maybe conceding she’d done it for him. Either way, in that moment, no matter how mad I was at her, I felt her pain. It was palpable. My heart broke for them both. If I had it my way this scenario would have played out differently. In a perfect world our relationship wouldn’t have been so horrible. I would’ve been able to hug her myself while telling her I would facetime her in to every major moment of his life so she didn’t miss a thing. I would have told her I would send her random pictures and updates weekly so she felt like she was there. If I had it my way it would not have gone like this at all. But here we were. Here I was. Here I was looking at this heartbroken woman, wanting to help, but knowing for 10 years she’d basically spit in my face.
Two weeks later we would leave out of town to Nevada for a big track meet. She would bring our son home with the rest of his things just the night before and my husband and I would pull up a little bit later with the snacks for our trip. We would pull up to her parked in front of our garage, standing just outside of her car hugging our son for what would be the last time for 6 months. His little brother would join the embrace. It felt like a private moment I shouldn’t be seeing and was heartbreaking to watch. There was nothing I could do but grab the groceries and go into the house knowing I’d have to console him later. As a mother, seeing her heartbreak would make me toy with the idea of forgiveness but that wouldn’t last long. There was something about this women that just couldn’t leave well enough alone. I was starting to see she would always have it out for me. That’s when the seed she planted would sprout and break ground in the soil she’d been plowing in me for years. It was time everybody knew the truth. Long gone were the days I’d be quiet for the sake of our son or for fear she’d drag my husband to court. We’d won. We had custody. I had nothing left to lose. Watered with a decade of torment, anger, revenge, and pain… “Blended” would be born.