Blended: Let The Pieces Fall
“You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once.”
They say comparison is the thief of joy but I think expectations are also. When I look back to the beginning of what I thought being a stepmother would actually be, I laugh. Not because I think it’s funny but more because I pity that poor 23-year-old girl who had no idea what she was in for. There is much I would say to my younger self if given the chance and though that ship has sailed, maybe juuuuust maybe, my younger self (figuratively) is you.
The day I knew she was finally gone from our lives, like on a plane heading thousands of miles away gone, I felt something I thought I would never feel. Relief. It felt like emerging from a dark, maze ridden cave to finally feel the sun kiss your cheeks. A breeze tousle your hair… It was like never knowing just how far into the dark you’d been pulled until you saw the light for comparison. I could have never predicted just how much her existence would contribute to my anxiety until that very moment and the realization was bitter-sweet. Bitter because how could I let it go that far? How could I give someone that much power to affect me? Yet, sweet because now she no longer did.
If you are entertaining the idea of a blended family let me give you some things to consider and some of the lessons I learned the hard way so you don’t have to.
Lesson 1: Before you step into a situation with ANYONE make sure there is no unfinished business. My first mistake was dating my husband before the final dotted line of his divorce papers were signed. Being so young and having never been married before, I could never have foreseen the potential effects or how important this piece of advice would be. Obviously, he wasn’t with her. They were living completely separate lives and he was definitely getting a divorce. ALL the paperwork had already been filed. But karma is still karma. I know what God says about marriage and because I didn’t wait some of the fallout was MY karma. There are feelings I know I could have avoided had we started our relationship after his last chapter had been formally closed. Would she still have been a nightmare to deal with? Knowing what I know now I can almost guarantee it. But half of what she based her feelings on would’ve been null and void. Had she’d found out about me AFTER her divorce was final, blaming me for its demise would have been a harder ship to sail.
Lesson 2: The dynamic will change as soon as the Ex learns of your existence. Be prepared. One thing I can say is I walked into the situation knowing it was going to be hard just based on the stories I’d been told. What I did not expect was how much harder it would get the second this woman learned of my existence and saw my face. It was like giving a sharpshooter a focal point to shoot at. Although my situation is on the extreme end of things, I’ve had the misfortune of seeing a few of my friends deal with this as well. It doesn’t matter how cool that man tells you his ex is with him moving on. The second you become a reality, if only for a little while, the dynamic WILL change. This leads me to my next lesson.
Lesson 3: As much as you are able… Learn who you are dealing with and believe what you are told! I can’t stress this enough. If you are dating someone who sugarcoats the reality of what you may be walking into... RUN! Admittedly, my husband was very honest with me in the beginning about who this woman was. My mistake was believing I could change her or handle it. More years than I’d like to admit were spent with me thinking conflict stemmed from misunderstandings or miscommunication. However, what I would come to find time and time again is this woman had no interest in understanding a thing. She felt how she felt and that was that. Even speaking now I can say she always will. She will never acknowledge her wrongs or admit her malicious intent and trust me when I say this next. There wasn’t a THING I could have done or would have been able to do to change how she felt about me. Had I realized this sooner I could have saved myself so much energy wondering why this woman hated me so much.
Lesson 4: ALWAYS take the high road. No matter how tempting it is not to. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I took Petty Blvd. and truth be told I can’t think of a time I felt better for it (except for this one time but we’ll leave it at those who know, know lol). However 3/10. I don’t recommend it. There is so much you can stop dead in its tracks by simply refusing to engage. Engaging gives the other party ammunition and weeeeell… Why would you want to hand your enemy bullets to load their gun? Doesn’t make much sense when you look at it that way now does it? In many instances, staying quiet would’ve served me better than proving a point.
Lesson 5: Karma is real. Like REAL real. Everything this woman had done to my husband along with all of her poor choices is what landed her in this karmic nightmare, to begin with. Even so, I promise you, in my entire life’s existence I’ve never seen karma give it to anyone quite like I saw it given to her… & so publicly at that. I can’t even begin to imagine the private karma she dealt with. If reading my story teaches you nothing else, let it teach you that Karma is real. Make choices you won’t pay for later. “Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail.” Proverbs 22:8
Lesson 6: Empathy will take you far. This is something I had in sparse amounts in the very beginning. After all that I had learned, and all that knew, I felt like she deserved everything she had coming to her. I had no interest in softening the blow. I’d help drive it home if provoked. As cliché as it sounds, hurt people really do hurt people. If I had possessed even a modicum more of empathy I would have seen sooner how much her pain was driving her actions. Once you understand what drives someone your options for resolution become greater. I guess what I’m saying is… Have a heart.
“Some people can’t handle what they deserve. ”
Lesson 7: No matter how frustrating it becomes or how easy it seems to give up, show your babies how much you love them. Regardless and always. My husband’s ex-wife made posting pictures of our son so miserable I eventually stopped. Not only would she hound US about them. She would hound him too. She would make so many comments to him, around him and become so provoked he would become upset as well. Him being upset would trickle down and affect us too. I eventually concluded that if I stopped posting about him he would be better off. Only recently, during a heart to heart with him did I find out that by NOT posting about him as often as I use too and in backing away to not be so involved, he felt I wasn’t as proud of him anymore. That broke my heart. Especially because my intentions were quite the opposite. Placating her feelings caused me to neglect his. Even looking back, I do feel like it was the best and right decision at the time. If I had continued to do things I knew provoked her and in turn hurt him, the relationship I had with our son could have been even more negatively impacted. I did explain to him my reasons and I’m happy to say today he can see my choices for what they were. Choices made in his best interest. I promised him I would never do that again.
Present-day, life is great. We still experience blended family ups and downs and to put it bluntly, raising teenagers is the hardest job I’ve ever done. I always joke that if my older ones had become teens before I had my younger ones, I would’ve stopped there. Lol. Teenagers are not for the faint. The last time my son saw his mom was about a year ago now due to COVID. With her husband being deployed the majority of this year, I’ve often thought she would have been better off staying. She would have had her family around, her friends and she wouldn’t have had to miss her son’s last year of High School. Don’t get me wrong, having her gone was wonderful! But for his sake, it was a thought.
12 years later she’s still up to her tricks even 2900 miles away. For example, she recently stole the name of this very blog to use for a blog she just decided to create. I shouldn’t even be surprised by now but, I am. It takes a lot of guts to steal the name of a blog that talks about how you steal and copy ideas. I often wonder how she’s not embarrassed. Seems extremely counterproductive. However, I do suspect it was just as I’d said in the blog post mentioning this particular trait of hers.
She started doing it so often I wondered if she even realized it was me. It was like all of her “ideas” were spawned from an original idea of my own. Her stalking had me so deeply ingrained into her psyche I became her second nature. It was my voice coming out of her mouth.
I’ve come to see her as a sort of chameleon. Adapting to whatever she exposes herself to most. I’m sure I’m not the only one to inspire her “ideas” and I definitely won’t be the last. However, from this point on it’s documented. Had my blog never been so public and widespread, it could be chalked up to another coincidence. People might never have been able to put 2 and 2 together otherwise and she would’ve been extremely convincing if asked. You often are when you believe your own lies. Of course, she’s since tried to change the name but it’s still a play on the name I created. I have page after page of analytics that shows her browsing my website and reading for hours on end. This woman will probably stalk me for the rest of her life. It is what is. It doesn’t affect me anymore.
Our son finally reached the age where he asked to know the truth. All of it. He said he felt like he had a right to know because it was his life. I can’t say I disagree. I told him and showed him proof of everything and my husband did the same. We both explained the reasons we’d kept everything from him all these years. We never wanted to change how he saw his mother. I told him I especially felt like he’d hate me if I told him everything she’d been doing to me over the years. He said he may have felt a way at the time but, he would have gotten older and understood. I still think it was better for me to be more cautious. He may not understand it but I do think telling him then would have shaped the way he looked at me in a more negative light now. It’s easier to explain something after the fact when a person is old enough to understand. Once upon a time, he thought everything could be solved with a conversation. Now he no longer thinks that to be true. He has canceled all group conversation requests indefinitely as he wants no parts. Lol. He’s moved on from that and is content with knowing it will never be. Against every single odd stacked against us, my husband and I are still married. A miracle in the truest sense of the word. So many marriages don’t survive this type of blended family chaos but by the grace of God, we did. There were moments I considered if walking away would be easier than dealing with her. I’m sure he considered the same. It’s unfortunate how many men will stay single and unhappy to avoid situations just as this but I see why. We may not have peace with her but we have freedom and that’s the most important feeling of all. I will take with me every lesson I’ve learned and even sprinkle around a few for you. But as for this chapter? It’s officially closed. I’m free.
“A coward talks to everyone but YOU. Often people that say they “don’t care” actually do. The moment they discuss you with their friends and family, compete with you, bad mouth you to others or react to anything you do or say is when they give themselves away. You can either be saddened or flattered that you effected someone so much. The perspective is yours to determine.”