Blended: A New Friendship?
It wouldn’t be long before my husband found out the secret I was keeping. Our son would start to come home from his mom’s house upset often and when it was time for him to go back he’d start crying. Even though I knew things were tense in her household it didn’t click for me right away why he would dread going over there. My husband became concerned and finally sat him down to talk. The emotional gates burst open and his son spilled everything. In my experiences dealing with her, I knew she wasn’t the most subtle around her son when it came to dealing with conflict. But I never imagined she would be so blatant with this particular situation knowing he could potentially tell his father. Our son had confessed to his father that while on a car ride with his mom he’d heard her yelling at someone on the phone. She was using phrases like “my husband and other women” (his words) and other phrases that disturbed him as well. It could’ve even been her husband she was yelling at, his son didn’t say, but as my husband dug deeper he would put two and two together.
When they were done talking he would come to me with what he knew. It would be then I tell him everything I knew about the situation confessing I’d know for a while. I could see the light bulb go off as he realizes the source of our newfound peace. Although our son was struggling we’d agree to say nothing to her about it. It wasn’t our business, to begin with. Not only that, we didn’t want to disturb any of the peace we had by bringing it up. It was a sensitive subject and there were so many ways it could go badly. It was no telling how she’d potentially react. Why poke a sleeping bear…? Instead, we’d try to deflect and play down what he’d heard to make it seem like not a big deal. I would also tell him stories about how I use to listen to music when I was upset to get my mind off of things. Aside from that, we’d give him other coping mechanisms to use should he start to feel uncomfortable. That would be the year his iTunes playlist became his best friend. I still don’t know if he ever realized what that man had done to his mother. I’ve never asked him and again it wasn’t my place to either. However, I’m sure if not now, it would be later in his adulthood he reflects on his childhood and put the pieces together. Regardless of what I knew, as someone living in the home, I’m sure he witnessed and knew way more.
Football season came and went and that February in 2013 she gave birth to her baby boy. Our son was now a big brother again. I’m sure getting past the betrayal wasn’t easy but nothing like a new life to breathe new life into a situation… We were now entering into our son’s second year of track and it was looking like it was going to be a much better season than the last. He was getting better and we were seeing he was ahead of the other kids his age. He had a natural knack for it. Our family was also getting better. The previously present tensions of going to meets every Saturday were gone. If you know anything about track then you know it’s an all-day event. We would get there between 8-9 AM and not leave until around 3 PM. Sometimes even later. All of the moms sat together under the same tent so you can imagine we had hours upon hours to chat. The peaceful relationship was still new so having other parents there made for an easy buffer. It also gave us a chance to engage in conversation together without all of the pressure to keep it going alone.
Track season turned out to be the smoothest season of sports we’d experienced yet. It was great. After track was done football came back around. But between the two there would be a ceremony honoring excellence in young athletes that our son would be apart of. We’d all attend together and in the end, his ex-wife would ask if we could all take a picture together. I remember my husband and I being slightly caught off guard because this was all still so new to us. However, they were steps in the right direction. I still have the picture… In it we look like one big, happily blended family. We had our shared son in the middle, his mom and me on either side and our husband’s standing behind us. While taking the picture I remember wondering if we’d ever get to the point where we could all enjoy a family holiday together.
When football season came back around, it had pretty much been almost a full year of peace. I could physically feel myself letting my guard down. I’d say this is about the time I started to look at her like we could actually be friends. That may seem crazy to some but I grew up in a very blended family all the way around. It was normal for me to see both of my cousin's parents and step-parents all together and I use to go spend nights at my step sister’s mom’s house with her. It was all I’d ever known. I grew up thinking it was normal. Until this situation, I’d never TRULY known blended family conflict to this extent. So in my mind, for me to think we could be friends wasn’t crazy at all.
Since we were often times both at practices several times a week we’d begun to have more conversations. We talked about everything from favorite foods to tv shows, beauty and fashion. We probably talked about fashion the most because it was safe for me. It was something I knew, it was harmless and I could literally talk about it for hours. Also, based on other things she’d said, I knew she often scoped out my outfits anytime we were in the same space. Maybe I’m speculating, but for her I think she also took it as an opportunity to ask all the questions she’d been dying to know. Things like where I shopped, how I found certain things, what made me put them together, etc… I even introduced her to an app called Poshmark. I showed her how it worked, how to negotiate pricing on it and sell things of her own. I also put her up on game about different brands of denim, the material composition percentages, what to look for to find the best fits, different designer brands and all kinds of other little tidbits.
We went on like this through football season and into the holidays. During the holidays we even coordinated our son and my daughter getting phones at the same time. My mom however, would promptly override me, take over this task and get my daughter exactly what she wanted. We sent happy holiday texts, wished each other an amazing new year and everything was just great. Track season was quickly approaching. Although we’d texted each other previously a decent amount, maybe a couple times a week, most of our conversations happened at practices and games. It would be during the upcoming track season we start talking on a regular basis. The more I got to know her the more I liked her. The more I started to like her the more conflicted I became. I almost felt like I wasn’t supposed to like her this much. I’d only ever heard such awful things about her. I mean hell, I’d experienced so much at her hands personally. But alas… here I was, almost ready to throw out everything I knew because she just seemed so nice!
It was now 2014 and my youngest son’s first year of track. Even though my daughter had the legs for it, she held tight to her refusal to participate in ANY sport. Lol. Since we were often times both at the practices, we started walking the track together. But only when she could manage. Her son was still very young and barely a year old at this point so it all depended on him. Sometimes he’d be sleeping and other times it would simply be too cold to have him out. The times we couldn’t manage to walk we’d sit in her car and talk while her son slept in the back. I begin to learn a lot about her during these car chats. One day in particular, fresh off work, while walking from the parking lot to practice, I spotted her in her car. I still had on my work clothes and some very tall heels so a walk around the track was out of the question! I walked over to her, said hey and like normal we started chatting. When I sat down in her car she spotted my shoes and told me how much she loved them. When I told her where I got them she immediately went to the website on her phone and fell in love with the gray pair. She turned to me.
Her: “Oh my goodness I love these! I would get them but that’d be weird for us to have the same shoes huh?”
Me, kind of laughing it off: “They ARE cute. I really love them…”
I was trying so hard to avoid giving her a direct answer. We were now 2 years past all of our previous conflict but something about that question triggered me. The moment she asked, I flashed back to the beginning of our tumultuous relationship when she was using my words and copying the things I said. Even though I was triggered, I fought the weird shiver that shot through me. We were friends now. There was absolutely no reason for me to be weirded out by it. All we’d been DOING was talking about fashion. We were bound to like the same things at some point and it was Steve Madden for goodness sake! EVERYONE had his shoes. I really had to tell myself to get a grip. I was being ridiculous. Truth be told I actually hated dressing like my friends and I didn’t want her to get them. I’d been that way since always. I wasn’t the type to really loan out my clothes or dress like twinsies with my friends. I had a very distinct style that was very different from theirs. Often times I wore things they wouldn’t be caught dead in. So I chalked it up to “old habits die hard” and moved on.
When we moved on from the shoe chat things got really quiet and serious. I don’t remember exactly how it came up but she began to tell me the story about her husband’s infidelity and finding texts on his phone. However, she didn’t tell me the full story. She spun the story to appear as a text flirtation that never went any further. Clearly only the bits and pieces she wanted me to know while she was completely oblivious to the fact I knew the full story and then some. I actually still wonder to this day why she even told me anything, to begin with. Why tell me a partial truth that was completely irrelevant to me, when she didn’t have to tell me anything at all? I didn’t know what to say… There was no way in HELL I was about to spill what I actually knew at that moment. Sometimes it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie. I gave her the milder reaction her story deserved and changed the subject as fast as I possibly could. When I got home later that night my husband would tell me he noticed how much we’d been talking…
Him: “Y’all been talking a lot lately. Texting and everything. What do you guys be talking about for that long? It’s hard to imagine you guys talking about anything at all.
Me, Laughing: “I know. Crazy huh? We don’t be talking about anything much. Just girl things. Fashion, stuff like that. Nothing serious. Does it bother you?”
Him: "I wouldn’t say it bothers me but just be careful what you talk to her about. You don’t know her like I do. Don’t be telling her anything about us or what we have going on. You don’t know. She could just flip on you.”
Me: “I wouldn’t do that. That would be awkward. We don’t talk about you at all. I try to avoid conversation like that at all cost.” The last I said with a chuckle.
Him: “Ok. I just wanted to make sure. You can be cool just not TOO cool.” and he chuckled himself.
We both had a bit of a laugh but what he said got me thinking. He WAS with her on and off for 8 years. He really did know her better. What if he was right? Was this just an even more elaborate scheme for her to play me? Play us? I probably would’ve chalked what he said up to relationship PTSD. But then someone even closer to her would enter the picture and give me a very resounding WATCH OUT! My husband I could’ve brushed off as jaded. But this person? This person had absolutely NO ulterior motives or reason to lie. What did I just get myself into?