Blended: Keep Your Enemies Closer
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...”
You know the saying. It was something I’d heard but never quite understood. Why would I ever surround myself with people I had to constantly look over my shoulder at? Yet here I was wondering exactly how much shit I’d just stepped in. Did I just make a terrible, rookie mistake? Let me rewind and explain a bit.
When my husband first warned me I didn’t consider it as hard as I probably should have. I knew he had his reasons to say what he said but I wrote most of it off as a form of Relationship PTSD. I figured the worst of her was all he knew. So I continued to talk to her; Get to know her even more. There were many times I wanted to call her up and say “Hey, let’s go to lunch.” or “Want to meet at the mall?” but my husband’s warning in the back of my mind stopped me every time. I already felt as if I were teetering on the ledge of a boundary I had yet to cross. However, I knew if I proactively met her to hang out I would most certainly topple over the edge and have no parachute to save me. So I refrained. But as time went on I just couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that was ringing at my core. Yes, I suppose I could have just cut the friendship off immediately. But the thought of ending things that way made me feel so guilty. She hadn’t actually done anything to me so it didn’t seem fair. Yet I could see that time had made me lax. I no longer paid attention to anything else she was doing. I felt I didn’t have to. Gone were the days where I observed her actions in search of an ulterior motive. Still, my husband’s warning gave me pause. I decided rather than cut the friendship off immediately, I would take an active step back to observe the bigger picture. Gut feelings aren’t produced out of thin air. My Grandmother always said to follow your first mind. How awful would it be to have everything around me destroyed because I didn’t heed a warning?
Enter in, my answered prayer. Confirmation. It was the year 2014. I’d been at my job for a few years now and I knew everyone. Some better than others. But like in any workplace some people you just click with more. That was the case with me and Work Best Friend [WFB]. We sat right across from each other and most days spent our time laughing at jokes nobody else got. We’d say the dumbest one liners, spawned from numerous inside jokes, and immediately burst into laughter. Everyone often looked on as if we’d lost our minds. However, it wasn’t always that way. We were both natural introverts that were extremely skeptical of other people. Both of us hard to get to know and because of that, our friendship would start as a cautious one. Being stubborn and cynical as hell, it would take a full 6 months before we ever admit how much we actually liked each other. During that time though, through conversation about life and many other things, we’d slowly learn more and more. I’d discover everything we had in common. Stubborn, always right, loyal to a fault, insightful, and very observant. By the time we finally decided we liked each other we had a firm grasp on who the other was as a person. She’d seen me put in a number of situations designed to show my true colors and I, for her as well. We could’ve been twins for how alike we were. That was my noodle. We clicked.
Although we talked about our personal lives, all she knew about my family was that it was blended (in childhood and marriage) and at times very difficult. We bonded over that shared childhood upbringing. She’d loosely heard about certain situations I’d had to deal with personally, but nothing too in depth. I wasn’t one to keep a ton of pictures at my desk either. I only had one very recent one so she knew what my husband and kids looked like but I don’t think she paid much attention to it. At first. I knew a lot of things about her as well, but most of our conversations were fun and games. We never went too in depth about family. We’d also discover we lived in the same condos right around the corner from each other. The parking was terrible. It wasn’t abnormal to have to park up the street and around the corner during certain hours of the day and night. I parked near her unit often. One night after my husband came in from parking my car he would tell me…
Him: “I think I just saw one of your friends from work.”
Me: “Oh yea? Which one?”
Him: “I think she said her name was WBF?”
Me: “Oh yea! She does live around here. She lives with her step mom. What did she say?”
Him: “She just saw me getting out of your car and she called my name. She asked me if I was your husband because she recognized me from the picture on your desk. She told me to tell you hi.”
Me: “Oh ok! That’s funny.”
Him: “Man, what’s crazy is I could’ve sworn I saw her come out of [Son’s] Mom’s Aunt’s house. Remember she lives around here too.”
When we’d first moved over here I remember him telling me his ex-wife’s aunt lived around here.
Me: “Really? What’s her Aunt’s name?”
Him: “[Aunt’s Name]”
Me: “OMG, I think that may be her Step Mom’s name…”
Him: “I’m telling you, she lives like right there.”
Me: “I’m going to ask her tomorrow morning when I get into work.”
The next morning when I came into work, I sat down at my desk and turned around to her smiling.
Me: “Hey girl, my husband said he saw you last night.”
WBF: “Yea! I saw this man getting out of your car and I was like oh that must be her husband so I called out to him. He looked so caught off guard like who is this woman talking to me. It was so funny. I told him I worked with you and recognized him from the picture on your desk.”
Me: Laughing, “Yea he told me! But hey, what crazy is he thinks he knows your Step Mom. Is her name [Name]?”
At that point the other 2 coworkers sitting around us looked up shocked because they knew her name. You could tell they were clearly thinking WTF is going here…
WBF: “Yeeees? Why?” in the most cautiously skeptical voice ever.
Me: “I think she’s his ex-wife’s Aunt.”
WBF: “What’s his ex-wife’s name?” I told her. She was shocked into silence…
WBF: “As in [Nickname, Actual Name]?”
An actual chill hit me. The same nickname her mom was screaming at her during the track meet showdown.
Me: “Wait. Maybe…”
WBF: “Do they ever call her [Nickname]?
Me: “I think her mom calls her that.”
WBF: “What? That’s crazy. She’s my actual cousin on my Dad’s side. I haven’t seen her in years. We lost contact a while ago.”
Me: “That’s insane. Luckily, I actually get along with her now. I have to text her and tell her. What a small world!”
So I did.
VIA TEXT
Me: “Hey girl, you’ll never guess what I just found out. Lol”
Her: “What? Lol”
Me: “I work with your cousin!”
Her: “Who? Is her name [name] or [name]?
Me: “ No. Her name is [WBF].”
Her: “Oh! You work with my actual cousin! I thought maybe it was [name] & [name] because we always tell people we’re cousins. I haven’t talked to her in forever! We lost contact!”
Me: “So crazy! Small world! Let me see if I can give you her number.”
Her: “Ok give her mine too.”
I looked up at WBF and told her what she said. I gave them each other’s numbers and wouldn’t you know… His ex-wife arranged to have lunch with her THAT DAY and drove all the way up to my job. They went to one of our favorite Mexican food places around the corner and caught up. His ex-wife snapped a photo, thanked me for reconnecting them and that was that. My WBF and I never really talked about what they discussed that day. I know what some of you may be wondering… How could she not recognize her own cousin’s ex-husband or child in a picture? The short answer is they weren’t that close. They were cool in childhood but in their teenage and adult years they weren’t close like that. When she was married to my husband they only saw each other maybe a couple times but they didn’t engage on that level. Last time she saw our son he was maybe 5. In the picture on my desk he was probably about 10 or 11. Kids change dramatically during those years. She also never stood and just stared at the picture either. It was a quick look in passing. She didn’t recognize them.
Knowing there was this new connection meant my WBF and I steered away from certain conversations. It wasn’t hard though. Since we never talked much about my blended family in the first place, it seemed easy to do. Also, since I no longer had beef with her cousin, there was nothing to prevent my WBF and me from becoming closer. So we did. As our friendship grew, one thing we never discussed was the history between her cousin and I. It was a boundary we were both really careful not to cross. It was a "don’t ask, don’t tell" type of situation. As I said, we were loyal to a fault. We both respected each other too much to put the other in an uncomfortable and/or awkward position. I didn’t tell, she never asked. Because we never discussed it, I didn’t know what exactly she did or didn’t know about her cousin and my’s shared history. However, by this time, the one thing she DID know well was ME. She would soon move out of state and an unlikely set of circumstances would bring us closer than ever. Her finding love would be the cause of me unavoidably having to spill the truth about my past relationship with her cousin.
On a short trip back to Cali she was to come to my house to catch up and visit. Laying across my bed she would tell me about the man she met and fell in love with. In typical girl chat fashion, she would tell me everything about how they met, what he was like, etc… as we giggled and threw looks back and forth. The last bit of info would be that he was divorced with children. She'd look me dead in the eyes and say with the most serious expression ever, “I know we never talk about it but what am I actually getting myself into if I decide to pursue a blended family situation?” Yikes. A lot went through my mind at that moment very quickly. Do I tell her the truth or a watered-down version? What I had to say about the reality of having a blended family would not paint her cousin in the best light. She could tell I was thinking. She said, “Just tell me the truth. I know it’s tricky because we’re cousins but just talk to me like a friend.” I made a decision. At this point, we’d known each other for a few years and had been extremely close for a year. We were so close I didn’t have any reason not to trust her. However, I did preface everything I was about to tell her with a warning. “Ok, pretending for a second you’re not related, I’ll just tell you a little bit about MY experiences, some of the things I’VE had to deal with, recognize personally and you can decide for yourself.”
Again, I can hear you thinking it… Is it possible I was being baited here? Set up? The answer to that is: Anything is possible. However, I knew her VERY well at this point. We’d discussed so many things in SO much depth that we knew each other down to our very core. My apprehension didn’t come from a lack of trust. It came from my respect of family. As I’d said before, they weren’t close. The most she knew about my husband’s previous marriage was whatever she might’ve picked up via other family members and even that probably wasn’t too in depth. They were distant cousins. Their grandmothers were sisters. She wasn’t close enough to my husband’s ex-wife to ever have gotten a play by play of the situation. So her question was an honest one.
Initially, I didn’t go into detail about actual stories and situations that had happened. I chose instead to tell her about dynamics and feelings. Things that could present issues presently, in the future and various possibilities based on what I experienced. I tried to avoid bashing her cousin in any way and stuck to facts over emotion. In the end, she got the information she wanted and we were both able to talk about it without crossing the boundary we'd so carefully crafted. Not crossing that line was important to me. My husband’s ex-wife and I were still friends at this point. I had peace. I didn’t want anything to jeopardize that. My WBF stayed at my house until late that night and we parted ways close to midnight. She had a very short window to visit because she had some business to handle.
That night, after she left, I posted a few of the pictures we'd taken on IG with her permission and photo approval of course. Only a handful of people even knew she’d moved out of state, but even fewer than that knew she was visiting because it was such a quick trip. Yet, soon after I posted the picture, her cousin would call her several times. It was late when she'd left. She would already be sleeping and wouldn’t see the multiple missed calls until she woke up that morning. She’d text her cousin letting her know she had some business to take care of, would call her later but she would ask if everything was ok. There were so many missed calls. Late calls. Nothing was. She’d somehow found out WBF was in Cali and had wanted to hang out with her. Since she knew she'd have very little time, WBF made me swear not to announce she was coming out. However, because she knew her cousin and I were friendly, she'd ask if I’d told her. This is where things would get weird. The story told by WBF’s cousin would force me to reveal yet another layer about our dynamic.
When WBF finally got a chance to speak to her cousin she was told she found out because someone we both knew recognized her in the picture on my page as her cousin. That was impossible. Aside from their own family, there was no one who could relate the two of them together but me. We didn’t even have any mutual friends. Also, with hardly anyone knowing she’d moved out of state in the first place, who would think to call her cousin and tell her? How and why would that topic even come up? And HOW would it come up so quickly in that short window of time? My WBF knew this as well and found it weird. She’d ask “Who?” but her cousin wouldn’t tell her. After getting no answers, and even surer of the truth herself, WBF would call me to ask who we could all possibly know. She was very suspicious because she knew factually I was the only one who could make the connection to recognize them as cousins. I needed her to know I hadn’t broken her trust. I didn’t want her to think I’d told her cousin when I’d promised not to tell ANYONE. I assured her there was no one we could all possibly know and I hadn’t said a word.
Insert newly peeled layer. It would be then I have to tell her it was possible her cousin saw our pictures on IG. My profile was after all public and it wouldn’t be the first time she’d looked… Knowing the timing of the phone calls and when I’d posted the pictures on IG, I could see WBF start to put the pieces together. It would be this moment she begins to realize there was more to our dynamic than I’d initially told her. In trying to protect the integrity of her cousin in her eyes, I’d left a lot out. Because her cousin would be upset about them not being able to hang out, WBF would end up having to have a conversation with her to smooth things over. I felt bad for WBF but she told me they were family and she’d always have opportunities to see her. She really wanted to see her close friends in the time she had because she wasn’t sure when she’d be able to see us again.
Of course I understood where WBF was coming from. It was true that as family the possibilities for a visit were more. But I couldn’t help but begin to suspect the reason for her troubles were me. My husband’s ex-wife seemed to be triggered not by the lack of a visit, but by the fact it was ME she chose to visit. I mean, think about it. In the back of her mind she already felt I’d stolen her husband and tried to steal her child’s affections. Maybe now she was triggered into thinking I was trying to steal her cousin too? Had it been anyone else BUT me I don’t think she would’ve had the same reaction. This would be the turning point. The “WHEN” that would happen to make me question everything and really start to observe her behavior. The behavior I’d begun to see didn’t make any sense if we were supposed to be at peace. Had I NOT decided to take a step back from a friendship with her would I have missed this? The facade of our newly built relationship was starting to crack on the surface. What would I find if I looked beneath it? I didn’t realize it then but it would be soon I start to see she hadn’t truly forgiven a thing. Maybe she was trying… But it was all still there simmering just below the surface. I was her biggest trigger and I begin to wonder if that would ever change. I wouldn’t have to wait long though. Her actions would show me just how deep it all went for her. In stepping back did I just dodge a bullet?