Blended: What's Done In The Dark
Intentions are a funny thing. You can have the absolute best of them in mind but there will always be someone who sees things differently. It doesn’t matter how much or how clearly you communicate them. If someone is determined to misunderstand you or simply see what they want to see then communication is rendered pointless. Here I was with a new friend, A BEST friend and it was a friendship that happened so organically. That was RARE for me. I’d had acquaintances over the years but it had been at least 5 years at that point since I’d met someone I actually trusted and clicked with. I liked (still do) to keep my circle small in numbers. Quality over quantity. My intentions were never to steal anything from anybody. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was now in a competition, unbeknownst to me, for the time and attention of my new friend. It didn’t matter that WBF and I worked hard to keep the relationships separate. No matter how well we communicated or tried to separate, his ex-wife was determined to see the relationships as all intertwined. She saw the friendship WBF and I had as a choice between her and me even though one had nothing to do with the other. Of all the people for me to click with and WORK with, that it had to be HER cousin was insane. God sure does have a sense of humor… But I do feel like he did it for reasons she would never see. She couldn’t step out of her emotions long enough to look at the bigger picture. There was always only going to be one of two ways this would end and both of them would be 100% dependent upon her choices. Here she was with access to someone who REALLY knew me; Someone who could clear up any misconceptions she’d ever had about me and yet she would use all the tools she’d been given poorly. Never once did she tap into the person right in front of her who could actually offer accurate insight. She would instead try to use that resource against me. The way I saw it that could only mean one thing. She was determined to see what she wanted to see and feel what she wanted to feel. She had no interest in understanding. If she couldn’t paint me as the villain in her story she’d have no choice but to take a deeper look at the REAL reasons for her unhappiness. Her choices and herself.
Things didn’t shift between my husband’s ex-wife and me immediately. We still talked. Yet, after WBF came to visit me I could see her attitude towards me change. Because of our past interactions, I knew she already felt my husband had chosen me over her and though we were supposed to be passed that I suspected her cousin’s visit triggered the same emotions. She was still nice to me but beneath her surface behavior or as I would come to see not so deep down, it was apparent she still resented me. Past resentment for what she called taking her husband and possibly new resentment for taking her cousin. So yea… Though we were supposed to be friends it would seem the resentment never left. It just sat beneath the surface brewing. Waiting for any trigger to come alive. Behind the scenes, she would begin to do everything she could to secure a relationship with WBF. She wasn’t working from a previously established relationship or connection. They weren’t close. She didn’t know who WBF was as an adult or a person. She didn’t know her character, her personality traits or her boundaries. Because of that, she had no clue the behavior she would begin to exhibit would push WBF away even further. Nonetheless, this connection was a detail both me and WBF often forgot. Our friendship was built on something different. We shared values, views, humor, and similar thought processes. She knew me so well, just as I knew her. Almost any train of thought I started she could finish and in any given situation she could almost predict what I would think, do and/or say. She knew my character well. Well enough to know there were things I’d never do, think or say.
I didn’t have any desire to go back to the way things were with my husband’s ex-wife. I enjoyed the peace. Although I did become more cautious and decide to take a step back, I did have hope. I HOPED everything I was feeling and suspected were simply paranoia. Even after the infamous visit, I had about 2 months to really observe her. During that time I tried to keep things as cool as possible. I didn’t text her any less or talk to her any differently. I kept everything as much as the way it was before as possible. I didn’t tell WBF I was taking a step back to observe her cousin either but she often found it weird that we were friends in the first place. At the time, I never knew why she’d always said that but clearly, she knew enough to have the thought. She never elaborated either and I wouldn’t know why until later. You know what they say… What’s done in the dark always comes to light. His ex-wife would make one mistake that confirmed at least one of my suspicions.
It was now May 26th, 2014 and my husband and I was celebrating our anniversary. As part of that celebration, we decided to BBQ and hang out by the pool. I threw on a really cute cut out one-piece and snapped a photo for the gram. It would be this picture that received the accidental double-tap heard ‘round the world… Lol. That was when Instagram was still fairly new so people treated it like Facebook and double tapped to zoom in. I saw her accidentally like the picture, unlike it, then add me as a friend followed by a text. I could literally see her entire train of thought as this unfolded right before my very eyes.
::Her Insta-stalking::
Hmm… Let me zoom in.
Oh shit. I just liked it.
Omg! I’m so busted.
Wait let me unlike it.
Oooh but what if she already got the notification?
Wait, I’ll just follow her and act like I meant to do it.
::Clicks Follow::
But shit… What if she thinks that’s weird?
I know! I’ll text her and let her know I’m following her. That way it doesn’t seem so weird.
::Sends Text:
“Hey I hope you don’t mind I just followed you on Instagram. You always pop up on my discover page and I like seeing your fashion posts. I figured since we’re cool now it wouldn’t be a big deal. But if it’s weird just let me know.” [end text]
There, that should do it.
Me: Watching this all happen in real-time. WTF…………………….. Even though I knew she secretly followed me anyway, I truly didn’t want her to ACTUALLY follow me for several reasons. Knowing she was part of my audience would make me very self-conscious. I often shared a lot of pics with me and my husband being very affectionate (hugging, kissing, etc…) along with pictures of me and the kids. She was previously very triggered by these types of posts. I didn’t want her following me to cause our entire situation to fall apart. I also didn’t want her mentally accusing me of rubbing it in her face every time I did post something like that. I’d been dealing with her long enough to know her own mind was her worst enemy. It was a lose-lose situation. Since I’d already seen how she handled her cousin’s visit, I didn’t think she was ready to follow me on social media. Also, judging from the way the entire situation played out, it didn’t appear she really wanted to anyway. She did it to cover her ass.
Me: “It doesn't bother me but it might bother my husband. I also post a lot of pictures of us and the kids and I don’t want you to feel weird about seeing them.”
Her: “Girl, I’m so passed that. It doesn’t bother me at all.”
Me: “Ok well as long as you won’t feel uncomfortable by it. I’ll just have to talk to my husband about it and make sure it’s ok with him. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”
Her: “Ok. Have a good evening and Happy Anniversary!”
Me: “Thank you!”
Of course, my husband was right there witnessing this all happen in real-time too. He was already vigorously shaking his head HELL NO! WTF was I going to do? This was a disaster just waiting to happen. I did not want this. But how was I going to get out of this situation without seeming like a complete and total bitch? I did the only thing I could think to do. I called a neutral party. I called WBF… I knew she would tell me the truth and if I was overreacting or not. I also knew she’d tell me what to say so I didn’t come off the wrong way. It was HER cousin and because of that, I knew her only desire would be to see the situation resolved peacefully. I called her and explained everything that had just happened. I told her I didn’t know what to do or how to get out of it and I didn’t want to hurt her cousin’s feelings. At this point, I think she also immediately recognized this as the source of why her visit had come out. I’m sure a lot made sense for her at that moment. Beyond that, she knew my heart and the fact that I only wanted peace.
WBF: “First of all you’re not crazy and yes that’s weird as hell. I wouldn’t feel comfortable either. What does your husband think about it?”
Me: “Oh he’s totally against it. He thinks it too much.”
WBF: “ Just tell her the truth. Tell her you don’t think it’s a good idea and that it’s weird for you and your husband. You think it’s best you guys just don’t cross that line.”
I chuckled at her bluntness. She was me in any other situation but this one.
Me: “That sounds so harsh though. What if she takes that the wrong way? We’ve been texting for years about all kinds of things. We send each other pictures of clothes & shoes for goodness sake!”
WBF: “Well, first of all, it’s weird you guys even talk like that. But anyway you have to tell her the truth. There’s no way around it. If she’s offended then so be it. You have every right to feel uncomfortable by that. Put on your big girl panties, Noodle. If all else fails just blame it on your husband.” and she chuckled…
Me: “Ok. I’ll do it but if this all goes badly I’m blaming you!”
We both laughed and hung up.
That was all I needed to hear. Sometimes you have to check yourself against someone who actually knows you. I sent the text. She graciously accepted my excuse and unfollowed me immediately. I instantly felt bad. Yes, it was weird and I knew it was the right thing. But what made me feel bad was the reality that things couldn’t be any other way. Man! I wish I had met her under ANY other circumstances. But this wasn’t it chief. She’d taught me in recent months that boundaries were necessary. I don’t know how this entire exchange made her feel but I’m sure it didn’t help our already deteriorating friendship.
Things would become even weirder after this. In stepping back I would begin to notice other things his ex-wife started doing. It had been about a year since she’d found out about her husband’s infidelity. Because they were still together and it had nothing to do with me I never stopped to consider whether or not she was actually happy with him. I didn’t think about the possible paranoia she could be dealing with for fear that he would do it again. I didn’t think about how her already active imagination might be going wild with thoughts and visions of what it was like for him to be with that woman. I didn’t even think about the possible regret she could be carrying for doing to my husband exactly what her husband had done to her. I never truly thought more about it at all. At first. That is until I started to noticed one thing. I began to see her actively try to engage my husband in more conversation. More communication beyond her normal scope of engagement. She started calling just a little bit too much and for things that could have been a simple text. She’d also make it a habit to call when she thought I wasn’t around. Like during the mornings AFTER he’d left home and was on the way to work. Always around 8:30ish. I even made it a game with my husband to predict the mornings she’d called. I never lost. I guess you could say she started to become a little too friendly as if she thought he’d ever want to be friends with her. She and I had an existing friendship. Because of that my husband tolerated her and was more open to communicating with her. But he never saw her as friendly or a friend.
Things came to a head one day in particular when she decided to call my husband 5 times. Twice earlier in the day which he wouldn’t answer but would call to tell me about, wondering what she wanted so badly. Then three more times back to back a couple hours later when we were home. Fed up, I would finally text her from my phone to let her know he was busy and ask if everything was ok. I figured something MUST be for her to be calling him that much. Do you know what she would tell me? She was calling to see if we had a particular shirt for our son and if so could we wash it. That was it. Something that could’ve been a text earlier in the day when she first called. I told her I would check but in the future if she ever needed anything and couldn’t reach my husband she could always call me. This is when I would start to see we had a problem. Was she calling MY husband to ease the misery she was living with her own husband? Insert a new friend who would come into my life and make me question the loyalties of everyone around me…